2016 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 2

While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

Two games in and and there’s plenty of suck left to go around. HEY! Donna North beat somebody, which means they’ve dropped out of our bottom 5 =(. Don’t fret, though! They’re due back here next week.

These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:

#5 PSJA Memorial Wolverines (0-2) L 28-0 McAllen – I’ll start by saying that when I saw this game on the schedule, I thought “This has gotta be a misprint.” Nope! Both schools actually agreed that this game SHOULD be played even though the Wolverines have absolutely no business competing with McAllen in anything. The result of this game is exactly what happens when the scrawny kid takes a couple of karate classes, picks a fight with a much bigger guy and, rightly so, gets his ass handed to him for being an idiot. They took a swing and missed..badly, getting themselves shut out 28-0. Back of the line, Alamo.

#4 Progreso Red Ants (0-1) Bye – They were the only team in the Valley, apart from Los Fresnos, who couldn’t find a date to play with last Friday and that’s pretty fucking sad. The Red Ants are so bad that the momentum of a win doesn’t even out-weigh the risk of injuring their players by playing the game.

#3 Marine Military Academy Leathernecks (0-2) L 39-0 Benavides – After they got spit out by Santa Maria last week, you would hope that the MMA Brandon Weeden’s would get their shit together against a team that gave up over 60 points the week before. Instead, Benavides brought so much pain to these man-children that I’m pretty sure 3/4ths of that team now have PTSD. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Leathernecks didn’t score another TD the rest of the season.

#2 La Joya Palmview Lobos (0-2) L 43-13 Edinburg Economedes – Again, the Lobos got themselves ripped apart by another top-10 team, so maybe they aren’t as bad as they’ve looked, but it’s also fair to say that the statistics are stacked up pretty high against them. In 2 weeks, the Lobos have given up a staggering 42 ppg and have a point differential of -64, which is tied for worst in the Valley. They have the honor of playing in this year’s Shit Bowl against #1 Edinburg Bobcats for the right to call themselves the Worst Team in the RGV.

#1 Edinburg Bobcats (0-2) L 20-15 Brownsville Lopez – Lopez is a team that NOBODY should ever lose to. Period. A loss to Lopez is the benchmark for absolute rock bottom in the Valley; a sort of Kelvin scale for Valley football that helps us map out where Absolute Zero actually is. What kind of a locker room speech do you even give after a loss to Lopez? “Welp, it can’t get any worse than this, guys!” Oh, brother, but we all know deep down, it can get much MUCH worse by this Friday’s game. A loss against the 2nd worse team in the RGV, La Joya Palmview, would all but cement this team at the bottom for the rest of the year. I’m still taking money as to whether they can get to 9 TDs by Week 5 cause there’s no way in hell they’re catching up to Guerra.


Guerra: 11 TDs
Edinburg: 4 TDs

Dropped Out: Donna North Chiefs W 41-20 Laredo Martin


  1. Man this motherfucker can shove his remarks to himself idgaf we you are your probably some whippy ass nigga if I were to see u in person ill fucken shut you up real quick probably some lil ass nigga that always tried playing football in highschool and never made the team so your ass just sat in the bleachers

  2. This is so rude and hurtful to kids trying to stay active and out of trouble . So what if they suck at least they’re being involved

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