While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
Jesus, we did not work on ANY stories this week. You win this round, social life. (Be sure to catch our Canelo vs GGG live blog on Facebook, to you know, make up for what we DIDN’T do this week)
These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:
#5 Progreso Red Ants (0-1) BYE – I bet residents of Progreso filed into their seats to watch an empty field on Friday just to say they went to Progreso Stadium and, for the first time in a long time, Progreso didn’t lose. This is your life, Red Ant fans; a shitty PD that can’t answer a telephone and the sobering truth that no football is better than any football in Progreso.
#4 Donna North Chiefs (0-2) L 35-14 Laredo Martin: When I write these articles, I actually use spreadsheets with layouts of each team to help determine which numbers stack up to make the worst of the worst. Most is done in shorthand, so Donna North is abbreviated to Donna No. As in “Donna, no this was wasn’t a good idea,” and “Donna, no! They’re all gonna laugh at you!” Donna North is the twin that sucked Donna High’s oxygen before birth but instead of one stillborn, you have two. I know I’m being harsh (and maybe because I’m having a shit day), but Donna North is the baby that should have been aborted.
#3 PSJA Southwest Javelinas (0-2) L 56-7 Corpus Veterans Memorial: Is this the Las Milpas School? I’m pretty sure this is the Las Milpas school. The Javelinas are making their debut on our list as PSJA ISD duke it out with Brownsville ISD in a sad race to the bottom to see who can produce the most inept football schools. When Ivy League schools suck, we know it’s because you’re talking about genius’ out there trying to out-muscle Ozamataz Buckshank out of West Alabama A&T. You’d wish that this was the case for PSJA ISD and BISD, but God no. These are just regular-ass school districts just churning out shitty football teams year after year.
#2 Brownsville Porter Cowboys (0-2) L 35-7 Brownsville Hanna: From everything that I’ve both heard and read, my best assessment would be that Gladys Sams Porter was a saint. It’s a crime against sin that her name graces such an awful program. Count it to 14 straight losses as the Cowboys have already cemented themselves as the worst team in the worst football ISD in the state.
#1 PSJA Memorial Wolverines (0-2) L 35-21 McAllen High: 20 game losing streak! Wolverines out here trying to chase history as the worst team ever (We’re looking at you, 80’s to 90’s Brownsville Porter). I can literally do nothing but smile as these loveable losers nuke themselves into oblivion every Friday night.
Dropped out: Sharyland Rattlers.