While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
PSJA Memorial snapped their record 21-game losing streak and I don’t know how I should feel about that. Immediately, I feel lost and as if the floor is no longer there. The Wolverines have served as the doormat we all stepped on for the last 2 years. I hate change and I hate this. I’m going to march right over to PSJA stadium and kneel in the middle of Memorial’s next game to protest their win against PSJA North. I WON’T HAVE IT!
These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:
#5 Roma Gladiators (0-4) L 40-10 Mission Veterans: Technically, the Gladiators are actually 0-5 but because I didn’t write this on Thursday, I’ll let them bask in the memory of having only lost 4 games before they get themselves baptized by Sharyland next Friday. When I was little, there was a local commercial for a video rental store out in Roma. Not realizing how far away Roma actually was, I asked my dad to take me, to which he immediately called me an idiot. Being as old as I am now, I would have totally said the same thing if I was my dad. Fuck that. There’s no good reason to ever travel to Starrrrrr county other than to mule out some sweet chiba.
#4 Progreso Red Ants (0-3) L 50-6 Hebbronville: This loss must sting just as bad as Progreso ISD’s diesel bill having to drive two hours to get beaten so bad that the entire team falls into an existential crisis that they have ANOTHER two hours to ponder on the way back. With this blowout, Progreso is now in a virtual 3-way tie for the worst defense in the Valley (39.66 PPG allowed).
#3 Donna North Chiefs (0-3) BYE: Again, technically 0-4 having played yesterday, so expect them to remain in the bottom five for another week; another month; all eternity. I don’t understand why schools continue to try to incorporate black into their colors; as if they are going to look any more intimidating. It’s not. It just makes you LOOK like you should be taken seriously when the results show that we shouldn’t. A shitty team trying to incorporate black into their uniform is like watching a small kid trying to wear his dad’s suit jacket. It’s amusing at first and we all laugh at how silly they look, but it starts to become sad when they wear it to an interview. Donna North is forever that kid.
#2 Brownsville Porter Cowboys (0-3) BYE: Again, another Thursday game against Brownville Lopez. What’s not surprising is that nobody cared to report the final score to MaxPreps. I’ve never been to a Brownsville game, because I actually would like to ENJOY my Friday evening, but I can guess that when two Brownsville schools meet up, they just flip a coin to figure out who wins or loses and that’s it. Everybody goes home excited by how incredible that coin flip was and everyone goes on living their lives, not subject to watch 2 hours of Anti-Football. I’m praying really hard that they still have their 15 straight losses still intact.
#1 PSJA Southwest Javelinas (0-3) BYE: They’ve done it. That’s how amazingly great the Javelinas are at losing; they stayed home and still managed to be crowned the worst team in the Valley. Altogether, they have the worst offense (4.33 ppg) the worst defense (40.66 ppg allowed) and the worst point differential in the Valley (-36.33). Southwest is going ALL IN this year and isn’t here for your 1-9 bullshit. 0-10 or bust!
PSJA Memorial (somehow)