While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
We’re a little over halfway through this year’s edition of the worst high school football teams and, as most of you can probably tell, I’m starting to hit that wall where I’ve almost exhausted every possible way to rag on these teams for being so bad.
It is, however, about this time where we start sifting the wheat from the chaff, and from the look at this week’s bottom 5, there seems to be PLENTY of chaff to burn.
These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:
#5 PSJA North Raiders (0-5) L 23-0 PSJA: FINALLY! With Progreso beating up something called Santa Maria, PSJA North is no longer the winless outsider looking in on our list. With their appearance on this list, PSJA North makes the THIRD different PSJA ISD school district to be represented on here in the same year. Brownsville ISD can eat shit as far as PSJA ISD is concerned. 2017 is the year that PSJA ISD had finally firmly laid claim as the school district where the absolute worst football is played. Somehow, the PSJA High Bears are their best team, and I don’t know how they managed to pull that off. Impressive. I wouldn’t be surprised if PSJA opened another school (PSJA North by Northwest, I guess) just to stuff their football team with blind and underweight kids.
#4 Roma Gladiators (0-6) L 35-14 Sharyland: Of course Roma would be the first school to lose 6 games. I’m beginning to suspect that Roma High School is simply a front for a large drug distribution operation where they pay child randos to just show up to “school,” get their “grades” and every now and again, play “football” for the “Gladiators.” You aren’t fooling anybody, Roma.
#3 PSJA Southwest Javelinas (0-5) L 17-10 Edinburg North: Shit Bowl 2: Shit Bowl’s Revenge is set for next week as the Javelinas and their leukemia offense (7.4 ppg) go up against PSJA North’s slightly less cancerous offense (12.2 ppg). I’m actually rooting that this game ends in a 2-2 tie and we all go home agreeing that neither team should be allowed to play football ever again.
#2 Brownsville Porter Cowboys (0-5) L 56-34 Brownsville Pace: 17 LOSSES! If Porter doesn’t win a game this year, they will beat the previous record of straight losses (21) by 1 game! Don’t fuck this up, Porter. You guys have worked TOO HARD to NOT be shitty enough to go down in history. Think of it, they will (maybe) erect statues of how terrible this team was. Players will don “0-10 2017” on their letterman jackets forever so they can show their co-workers 12 years later when we get another cold front that they were part of something REALLY special.
#1 Donna North Chiefs (0-5) L 54-10 Brownsville Lopez: Shit Bowl is all that matters. Tonight Donna North and Brownsville Porter both face each other tonight for the right to call themselves the worst team in the Valley. If any of you plan to watch this game, I hear that bleaching your eyes afterwords could potentially help remove those awful images from your mind.
Dropped Out: Progreso