Sports, News, Opinion

Monthly archive

October 2017

The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Hidalgo

in Rants/RGV by
haters guide to the valley hidalgo

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We got pulled over for going 29 on a 30. Welcome to Hidalgo.

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McAllen City Commission Finally Eats The Dick; Passes Smoking Ban

in RGV/The News by
McAllen City Commission Eats The Dick

On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission passed an ordinance effectively banning smoking from all public places and most private establishmentsNo, let me try that lede again.

On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission communed together for a grand feast, culminating from months of preparation thanks to some wet blanket and this pretentious email. On the menu for the evening? THE Dick, and the city commission just swallowed it whole. Keep Reading

2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 7

in RGV/Sports by
2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 7

While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

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Donna Mayoral Candidate Forgets He Doesn’t Actually Live In Donna; Get’s Disqualified

in RGV/The News by

Jose Ernesto Lugo Jr. had announced his intentions to run for Mayor of Donna back in early June, joining three others vying for the same spot. After months of campaigning and fundraising and customizing fancy polo shirts, the City of Donna has disqualified him from November’s mayoral race because Lugo seemingly forgot that he didn’t live within Donna city limits.

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2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 6

in RGV/Sports by
2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 6

While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

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PSYCH! Brownsville Shitty Commissioner Cesar De Leon Won’t Resign After All

in RGV/The News by
Cesar De Leon

WELP! The City of Brownsville spokeswoman Roxanna Rosas has stated that embattled Brownsville City Commissioner At Large “A” Cesar De Leon has rescinded his letter of resignation that he had submitted to the city just four days ago. This will be our fourth story covering this dip-shit and I’m already sick of it. Keep Reading

No, Chicago Bears Fans, Mitchell Trubisky Did Not Have A Great Debut

in Sports by
mitchell trubisky

Last night, Mitchell Trubisky made his NFL debut against the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings won out, in the end, all the while playing musical chairs with Mr. Glass and Ol’ Scrambled Brains. Trubisky played pedestrian-to-mediocre with a turnover near the two-minute mark that cost the Bears the game, but Bears fans seem to be comfortable living in a reality that’s quite different from ours. Keep Reading

Video: Miami Dolphins Coach Snorting Cocaine (Update)

in Sports/The News by

Video has surfaced online of Miami Dolphins Offensive Line Coach Chris Foerster snorting a ton of cocaine at the Dolphins facilities right before heading into a team meeting. Keep Reading

2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 5

in RGV/Sports by
2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 5

While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

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Brownsville City Commissioner Cesar De Leon Has Resigned For The Dumbest Reason

in RGV/The News by

Three days after having apologized during a city commission meeting for calling two black county prosecutors “niggers,” as well as calling other female officials “bitch” and “twat,” among other things during a secretly recorded conversation between himself and Carlos Elizondo, and concluding the message affirmatively stating that he would not resign, Brownsville City Commissioner Cesar De Leon has resigned from his post effective immediately in the most bullshit way possible. Keep Reading

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