While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
FOOTBALL’S BACK! IT’S BACK! THANK GOD! Which means that WE’RE BACK with a new season celebrating the worst that Valley high school football has to offer. Last year was our THIRD consecutive season where we gave up on this weekly series as there are only so many words in the English language to describe the level of shit in which some of these teams play. This year, however, I promise to push on past my better judgments and face this year’s challenge head on.
When you start off the year, virtually half of the teams in the Valley are win-less so we had quite a bit to choose from in this week’s fresh batch of suck. We recognize that a decent amount of these teams won’t last on our rankings for long so we’ve decided to go the extra mile and sardine pack as many teams as we could.
To the rankings:
#6 Edcouch-Elsa (0-1) L 36-0 CC Veterans Memorial – You know when you buy a new car, I’ve always wondered at what point does that car eventually lose it’s “new car” feel to it? You clean it and try to maintain it as long as possible, but there’s a point where you go outside for work, look at your car and think, “God, what a piece of shit.” That’s where this team is right now. After years of success under Joe Solis following years of steady decline with Joe Marichalar and on to it’s 3rd owner in Bradly Chavez, la maquina is officially broken.
#5 Sharyland Pioneer (0-1) L 64-17 Harlingen – If you’re not happy that Sharyland Pioneer got their asses absolutely handed to them by Harlingen, then you should be. This couldn’t have happened to a worse program that’s led by two of the worst fucking people on the planet after they fucked over their star quarterback for wanting to not play on this shitty team for a shitty coach. Pioneer deserves to lose perennially for pulling that shit and I hope to keep writing about them throughout the season.
#4 Brownsville Rivera (0-1) L 50-13 Brownsville Veterans – Now that Brownsville has 90 schools, one is always bound to take the flag for the worst team in the city. This week, Brownsville fans took to KVEO (because I guess they have a news station??) to bitch about their brand new $1.5 million scoreboard because now they can’t hear the band play. I don’t know where to take that; A) Every Brownsville team has sucked for a LONG time (Hanna and Veterans will regress to the norm eventually) so who the fuck shows up to those games? B) This tells me that if parents DO show up to Brownsville games, they only do so to hear the band and NOT watch the travesty on the field.
#3 PSJA Memorial (0-1) L 44-3 PSJA North – How does this team have the will to play an entire 10-game season? I barely find the will to even talk shit about this team anymore. PSJA ISD has 4 high schools (5 if you count something called “T-Stem”) now and a gazillion middle schools. I mean, I’m sure it’s crossed the minds of some PSJA board-members to just cut the “A” and move on without Alamo and just tell him it’s for the best. “It’s not you, it’s me! I’m just TOO busy with Southwest starting up and students at PSJA High setting themselves on fire…I just don’t have enough time for you, Alamo.”
#2 Donna North (0-1) L 58-6 Donna – What would our rankings be without our perennial contender for worst team in the Valley? The Chiefs hired Edcouch-Elsa retread Joe Marichalar to try and see if they can still dig deeper into their own ditch. The answer? YES! A 58-6 debut against the REAL Donna High School oughta do it. God this team is terrible. The fact that Donna North even exists is pinned on the fact that there were TOO many students at Donna High School, which means that more people are actually MOVING INTO Donna or that Ghost Town natives are spawning at an alarming rate. The next time you’re shopping at Wal-Mart at 3 AM, ask yourself this: does the world really need or WANT more people from Donna? Donna North is the prime example that birth control should be mandatory for certain cities. THEY MUST BE CONTROLLED!
#1 McAllen ISD (0-3) L 103-49 Combined – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m absolutely loving that I get to group McAllen Memorial with the likes of Nikki Rowe and McHi. All of McAllen went 0-3 last week and that meant that the rest of the Valley won. Did you know that these guys sold their field rights to fucking Dairy Queen? Fuck these people with a hunger buster. I hope these people have their blizzards fall out upside down for all of eternity.