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Weslaco Hero Signs “Fuck You” On His Traffic Ticket; Gets Arrested

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Local Weslaco resident and newly christened hero, Gabriel Palomo, spent Saturday night in county after signing “Fuck You” on the traffic ticket he received from Progreso PD.
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TBW Useless Stats: Which College Does Each NFL Team Draft From The Most?

Which player has the most career home runs? Who has the single-season passing touchdown record? Which country has won the most World Cups?

These are just some of the most mainstream, widely known stats in sports; but why settle for mainstream sports stats (yuck!) when you can impress your friends with USELESS STATS?! Nothing else screams “my life is definitely not an empty shell and I am certainly an interesting person” like interjecting a sports discussion with some of the most useless, trivial stats ever compiled.

Strap in and get ready for the Elias Sports Bureau to eat your ass with this knowledge thanks to your friends at The Bench Wire!

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The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Mission

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The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We took a trip to Mile 5 for some tacos and all we got was a mouthful of disappointment. Welcome To Mission.

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Let’s Welcome The NBA’s Newest Team: The Tampa Bay Raptors Because 2020!

Ok, so maybe not technically a “new team” but the NBA and the Toronto Raptors have officially announced that the team will start the season by playing their home games in Tampa Bay instead of Toronto, due to Canada’s current restrictions on travel that would have made playing games against US-based teams almost impossible.

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According To The #1 Recruit in The Country, No—Texas Football Is Definitely Not Back

Quinn Ewers, Southlake Carroll (TX) High School’s all-world quarterback, has announced his intent to sign with the Ohio State Buckeyes over the in-state Texas Longhorns after initially committing to Texas earlier this year, firmly burying the notion that Texas Longhorns football is of any consequence anymore.

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Let’s See How We Did On Our Election Predictions

Tuesday afternoon, we posted our predictions for election night and, ultimately, the outcome of the election.

We got a few things right, but let’s start off with what we got wrong.

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The Bench Wire’s 2020 Election Night Predictions

Well, we’ve finally made it to, quite possibly, the most anticipated showdown in political history. Even with states being polled to death, there’s still a lot of questions left to be answered. Will Vice President Joe Biden defeat President Trump? Will Trump defy the polls and become re-elected to a 2nd term? Will they make out? WHO KNOWS?!?!

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Dak Prescott Bet Everything On Himself And Tragically Lost

Last summer, with the NFL season still up in the air, negotiations suddenly stalled between Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Dak Prescott and the Cowboys front office general managers/owners, Stephen and Jerry Jones. In the face of increasing scrutiny as to whether Prescott was even worth a record-setting deal, Dak’s camp moved to play on a 1-year, $31.4 million franchise tag, betting on himself to prove his worth this year under a new coach and immense expectations.

Now, with Prescott’s devastating injury he suffered on Sunday, his dreams of a record-setting deal may have just dissipated.

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Trump Accuses Biden Of Taking PEDs – Calls For Drug Tests Before Tuesday’s Debate

In today’s episode of “we’re living in the worst timeline,” President Donald Trump took to Twitter this morning, I’d imagine before taking in a sermon on Corinthians part 2, to call for presidential nominee Joe Biden to commit to taking a drug test before or after the first presidential debate to be held on Tuesday because 2020.

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There’s Absolutely No Way In Hell That James Harden Is Following Mike D’Antoni To The 76ers

After yet another disappointing postseason for both the Philadelphia 76’ers and the Houston Rockets, both organizations have (mercifully for 76ers’ fans) finally let go of both of their respective coaches, which means Mike D’Antoni has become, yet again for absolutely no reason, the hottest name on the coaching carousel. It’s been reported that D’Antoni is already a shoo-in for the Sixers vacancy, however more intriguingly, there’s also been rumors flying around that Houston guard James Harden might join him and I’m here to end this nonsense once and for all.

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