It’s hot. You know this. I know this. Tim Smith can shove it. “Well, looks like it’s gonna be annuuuuuuther steamer outside!” Just stop. With weather like this, I don’t know how cool weather and lack of sunlight can make anyone depressed. I’m calling bullshit on seasonal affective disorder because I can not remember feeling better about my outlook on life, going outside to 100 degree heat and thinking “Gosh, I love how the suns rays are making my skin cry tears of joy ALL OVER my body! I LOVE you, my scorching hot devil ball of pain 🙂 🙂 ! ”
Nobody likes the weather here except those psychotic winter Texans that are actually driving cross country, who purchase property to park their 1994 Winnebago TO LIVE HERE BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THE WEATHER. The Valley is trapped in it’s own glasshouse of heat year round so it amazes me to see the many very very stupid things we, as native Valleyites, like to do when it’s stupid hot.
Here are some really terrible awful bad ideas for when it’s really hot in the Valley:
6) Shopping at the Pulga – If you’re shopping at an indoor pulga, then sure, you’re fine. A pulga outside? fuck that. If you told me that I could buy every single item at the pulga (for what, $30?? I’m just guessing) and you GAVE me that money, I still wouldn’t go. I don’t want to buy Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 THAT badly, alright? The walking spaces are small, cramped with dumb kids running around with their new “Poder Ranger” blasters sounding off. No. And in all this clutter, you gotta realize that EVERYBODY’s sweating (duh), so I want you to think about all the sweaty palms that have touched those dolls or earrings or whatever. That limonada you just bought to cool off? 98% sweat. When you’re in high school you learn things about simple economics. You learn about concepts like opportunity cost and trade-offs. Here’s how I’d apply these concepts to the summer pulga experience: The opportunity cost of not going to the pulga exponentially decreases as the temperature outside rises and hits absolute zero at somewhere around 92 degrees. You gain nothing by sweating your balls off at the pulga because by virtue of economics, the value of what you just bought is now quantified at negative fun. No. Just stay home next time.
5) Visiting to Progreso, Mexico – Ok, if there’s at least one place along the northern Mexican border you won’t be brutally murdered, it’s Progreso, Mexico. Everyone knows never to take your car there cause if it’s stolen, broken into..you’re fucked because your insurance policy probably won’t cover shit that goes down in Mexico. So, ergo, don’t expect your car to get covered if you drive it back with bulletholes on your doors. I’m not here to slam Progreso cause cheap meds, cheap great food, cheap booze, but you gotta realize that it’s hot as shit and, basically, every store doesn’t have AC (cause, you know, Mexico). It’s like God knows where the border’s at and just makes Progreso, Mex about 10 times hotter than Progreso, Tex. Little walking space, and if there IS walking space, it’s usually jammed up by gobs and gobs of slow-ass winter Texans that can’t get enough of those neat vases along the sidewalk. It IS a fact that winter Texans in Mexico are 38.2 % more annoying and in the way than in Texas. Wanna leave before sundown? Don’t mind the long ass line to get back. The line, often, extends well outside the building, so expect to be diagnosed with skin cancer, get treated, have it go into remission, have it come back, get treated only to find out that it has now spread too much and die before you even get INTO the building. There’s an actual sign before you get to the podium that says “no jokes.” How many times did idiots say shit like “Si señor, soy Americano” or “No intiendo” before they thought..’Yeah, we should REALLY get a sign.’ No passport? Is your skin brown? Get ready to have a finger shook at you because you’re “non-compliant,” as they guilt trip you into crossing in the first place. Not worth it.
4) Jogging..outside – I won’t even dignify this with an effort to be witty and just say no to jogging in this weather. NOTHING good can possibly come out of jogging for your own health in this weather.
3) Shopping at The Outlets – Let’s take everything you hate about shopping at the mall: the messy people, the rude sales staff, the lack of a Chik-fil-a (ughh goddamn you La Plaza), put it in a city that NOBODY actually lives in that exists solely for the stock-show every year before it zaps itself back into oblivion again, and make it about 10,000,000 degrees hotter. FUN!!! Here’s something you probably didn’t know about shopping at the outlets; unless it says “Factory store” or some other weird ass name, you’re gonna end up paying the same fucking price as you would have by just going to an actual mall like in McAllen or Brownsville (because Harlingen, you guys out there know that your mall isn’t REALLY a mall, right?). And factory store prices aren’t even THAT big of a discount anyway. The products are made with significantly lesser quality material and the price is knocked off by $3. Buy 10 shirts and you’dve saved enough money to buy yourself some $30 nachos that they sell there at one of the 80 million snack stands owned by the same guy charging the same ‘fuck me, right?’ prices. The outlets are a horrible idea during the summer. Come to think of it, they’re a horrible idea during the winter too.. ..Just avoid them completely.
2) Swimming In The City Pool – Seriously, do I really have to explain this? Ok sure, if you have kids..maybe, but still. I mean, yeah, going to the city pool was something we ALL did when we were kids, you know, because most of our parents weren’t the jerk asshole parents that we have today that don’t know how to, you know, be parents. And by the transitive property (sure) asshole parents beget asshole kids. Do you really wanna hang out with someone else’s asshole satan spawn? No..you don’t. Besides, you’re an adult, weirdo. If you don’t have kids, stay the fuck away from the city pool. Oh yeah, then there’s the whole stranger’s piss and shit in your mouth thing, so yeah.
1) Going to South Padre Island / The Beach – If there’s anything worse that you could do when it’s savagely bright out, it’s going to the goddamn beach. Sweet Jesus, when will we learn that this is not only 100% a terrible fucking idea, but the worst possible thing you could fucking do. First of all, it’s summer time (duh) so you’re screwed with in-season prices if you plan on staying there. If you’re cool with dropping at least $100 on some rundown hole where they haven’t replaced the towels since 2001, by all means, but fuck no. The Island has, maybe, 10 bars tops and 9 of them are ridiculously overpriced. Go to Wanna-Wanna, Clayton’s, Louie’s and you’ll end up spending a fortune on $10 shit-can margaritas or on $5 shit-can CANNED Lone Star. It’s a sick joke. Besides, drinking at the beach is so grossly over-rated. Who the fuck EVER has a great time standing around getting boozed up while baking in an literal oven? No one..no one ever says “Remember that time we went to the island and my beer got super hot REALLY fast, so I chugged it, only to get a glob of sand/beer in the back of my throat? That was awesome.” No one. You hungry? The island’s got all sorts of ways to feed you!! They have a WHOLLLE strip of chain restaurants (marked up 1000% than in other towns) AND they have fish!! LOTS AND LOTS OF FISH that even though they caught it there and there were virtually NO shipping costs, they’ll still charge you like they shipped it all the way to Nebraska and back! YAY!! Wanna go home? Don’t mind the zillion cars ahead of you all trying to escape as well. The minute you get off the bridge and pass Port Isabel, South Padre Island’s inbred redneck sister town, SURPRISE!!!! COPS! COPS EVERYWHERE!!! So try your best not to swerve around in Los(t) Fresnos either. I’d rather get punched in the fucking gut twice than go to the island right now.
Just..stay inside guys. We have Netflix, Hulu, HBONow. Just stay inside.