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The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Donna

in Rants/RGV by

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

This tour keeps on going after we make a quick stop to get stabbed in Donna.

Population: 16,270 (2013), 90% of which have completedΒ a drug run at LEAST once in their lives. It’s a rite-of-passage for the dreamers of little Columbia.

Mayor: Irene Munoz
irene munoz

..because why not? I’m betting good money that her appointment is just part of some community service requirement. And OF COURSEΒ Donna would elect a mayor with a sketchy history. You can’t file to run for any election in Donna if you haven’t had at least 1 corruption charge. I’m pretty sure running a city like Donna looks a hell of a lot like an episode of Narcos, just with a ton more coke.

Why Donna Sucks:

I could be wrong, but I’ve personally never met anyone from Donna who DIDN’T terrify me. Open carry was passed specifically to be able to protect yourself from these people. All this talk about ISIS and not a peep about Ghost Town? C’mon Trump!!

“The City with a Heart in the Heart of the Rio Grande Valley” is the most grammatically complicated slogan I’ve ever read. Someone who really hates the English language must’ve come up with that. Of course, it’d make sense that none of the residents objected to it because instead of learning English, half of them spent their days in school having inappropriate relations with their teachers while the other half were huffing paint thinner and teaching music. To the surprise of no one, Donna opened its 2nd high school (they gotta put all those un-aborted kids SOMEWHERE, right?), and to the benefit of just about everybody, took the Redskins football program COMPLETELY out of relevancy. Dare to get yourself into a conversation about changing the “Redskins” name to something less, you know, terrible and risk getting shot in the fucking face by an obnoxious fan.

If I were to call Superior Alarms or ADT today, I’d bet my balls that they’d have a “Donna” package specifically ready for these people.

We threw a party once and one of my friends wanted to invite these girls from Donna…so I threw him out the window. Dating a girl from Donna is just as terrifying as it sounds. Even IF you do happen to find one that’s not trashy, crazy, or a ho, you better believe that she’s done SOMETHING and she WILL hurt you if you bring it up. It’s simple: do you like getting stabbed? Then don’t date a girl from Donna.

Donna, you’re the unemployed city of the Valley. You’re worse than San Benito and that’s saying A LOT! Get off your mountain of coke and go get a fucking job!

 

Why Donna might not suck:

They have Envidia so you can enjoy a titty dance AND chlamydia before you’re murdered.

93 Comments

  1. Fuck you and stop hating your nothing but trash I’m from donna and what there’s good people here and you look at it wrong get a life and stop talking stupid what a hater

  2. wow i would like to say one thing about this listen here not everyone from DONNA is messed up i never did drugs. i never had sex and i think you are so stupid for saying oh dont date a girl from donna… lol wow i am with someone and engaged never did anything stupid so get off ur high horse and actually talk to people from donna u will see we r not all bad

  3. Personally, I think that YOU are entirely wrong. Donna is a small city filled with tradition and pride. If ain’t got anything good to say, keep it to yourself. This is an act of racism, criticizing those who you don’t know, critizing those who you didn’t bother getting to know. Keep your opinions to yourself, you could stick them up your ass next time, bet that’ll shut you up.

  4. I had some good laughs reading this! ? The author has talent. Props, bro! It’s a hater’s guide, guys. Don’t take offense; it’s all in good fun. ?

  5. I understand you believe your satire is amusing but your commentary is totally ignorant. Donna may have it’s issues but 90% of the community? Drug runner! Unemployed,women are trashy, crazy or a ho.
    You are ignorant. There are a lot of hard working humble people that live in this small town. Yes they take pride in their teams but so do many small communities.
    You are judging an entire community based on a few corrupt few.
    If this is your view on this city, I can only imagine what your commentary is on other communities in the RGV. Question why are you here? Leave.

  6. Im from donna been there since i was 9 i love donna never did drugs & im a mom donna is one big happy family and if your afriad of donna why talk shit lol hey why not maybe we should find your ass & bet the shit out of you shouldve thought twice boo boo before you ran your mouth

  7. JD,
    You must not be happy with yourself. You are the kind of person who likes to put other people down, to feel better about yourself. It is really pathetic. Instead of going off and running your month. Go live life and worry about yourself, your family, and any friends you might have. You are no one to judge. Only God can do that.
    Non-respectfully a Donna Redskin and Donna North Chief mom,
    Mrs. Q

  8. All these people in the comments are so hurt, trying so hard to defend Donna and prove themselves, its hilarious how a short article can stirr so many feelings. I’m from Donna and I enjoyed reading this article!

  9. This just sounds like you gathered a bunch of rumors and wrote an article about them. There are a lot of people from Donna who are educated, and don’t fall into that “Trashy” category. Donna is just like any other town here in the Valley, there are shitty people no matter where you go, but hey we all have opinions, as a 25 year old respectful woman born and raised in Donna, I will respect it.

  10. This post is ridiculous, you can say this about a lot of places in the world. You must not have spent much time in Donna if you truly feel this way. There are bad and good people everywhere. But for a “haters guide” job well done. I command you. Every one has a history, and it looks like yours is being a prick.

  11. You know that feeling you get when you put Limon juice and salt on an open wound? Well that’s all you Donna-ians are feeling. Buuuuuuuuuurn!!

    I like this and the rest of the Hater’s Guide to The Valley.

    Bench Wire you all are Funny
    idiots that make ALOT of sense.

  12. This is so funny… My friends and family live in Donna, hell I’ve lived in Donna for most of my life. I go to Donna on an almost daily basis if not every day. And I’ve always wondered as I stand in line at Stripes on Val Verde with a taco and chips in hand and an empty car at the pump, I wonder if today is the day I’ll get stabbed for wearing the wrong color or if wait… Did I lock my car? It’s to late I’m already in line behind the girl with the five kids begging mommy for a $4 liquid candy glue paste, and as she denies her children there favorite Chemical sugar she takes her time looking through her “not” fake MK purse to pull out her taped up corroded lone Star card (which at this point is no longer white) to pay for her Gatorade and Doritos. And as she’s about ready to complete her transaction she takes two Super Loterias a pack of NXT and $3 of gas. So Yea I can talk shit About Donna too, but there is no better place to get shot or Harassed by drug dealer cops than Donna.

    DID I MENTION WE ARE STATE CHAMPS… Cause we are.

  13. It’s not like this website is popular anyway. I have yet to find an interesting article here. Guess these “journalists” are stuck with minimum wage for their whole career path… ?

  14. Omg, where do I begin… why Donna doesn’t suck?!
    I saw all the positive in what is seen as negative, guess it’s the optimistic in me. I’m born and raised in Donna and from what you say, it goes to show the wonderful characteristics instilled in the commoners from “Ghost-town”. Characteristics? From what you mentioned all I read was the heart, loyalty, security,love, success and availability the Donna community provides! I’ll explain how…
    The city of Donna does have HEART. If they didn’t, they would have aborted to reduce the over population in high schools! Let alone the necessity of asecond one. Although someone should tell them they could swollow, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are pro choice.
    And as for a shot to the face for recommending the change of the Redskin name, I see LOYALTY! There’s even controversy with some of the NFL names they just choose to deal with it by protesting. Donna, guns to the face, loyalty all the way!
    Need SECURITY? If superior alarms or ADT have a Donna package, I would buy it! Like you said, open carry was passed to protect yourself from people in Donna then I’m sure the Donna package is the best sense of security.. forget ISIS!!
    As for the women/girls from Donna, well none LOVES like they do! Dating Donna females is like an episode of Snapped, the love, the betrayal,and the crazy..oh wait we do have an episode on Snapped lol None the less, a love from a Donna woman is true and pure… for many men… with a knife in your back… but it’s love!!!
    You also mention how Donna needs to get off their mountain of coke and get a job… just cause they refuse to be sheep and get a nine to five. On the contrary, if they are on a mountain of coke then this shows a sign of SUCCESS. These people must have proven to be worthy, thru hard work,murder and money laundering. It’s shows true determination when you climb the ladder or mountain to success.
    Finally, you wrote Envidia is the only thing that doesn’t suck in Donna, but you forgot the drive thrus. The access to the underage girls in bikinis is compelling. There’s nothing better than a long day of climbing off your mountain of coke, murder and fighting the Redskin fight to go to a drive thru, molest these girls by”tipping” them, buying a six pack of beer and candies for the kids… hers and yours!
    Lol in all honesty,Donna isn’t that bad, I just choose not to live there anymore… haha

  15. I get the haters guide and I reside in Donna. This doesn’t bother me because I know that there’s good sides and bad sides. Corruption as well but it’s pretty much almost every where. Quite honestly I’m a mother of 2. A 17 & 13 year old that luckily haven’t fallen into the traps of the wrong crews. They’re good students. I myself, am a hard working lady that bring in close to 90k a year not working at a strip club or making drug deals. lol. I have a real job. But again, I get the article. Haters guide and take no offense. People shouldn’t take this so serious.

  16. Yoooo!!!! This was fucking awesome lol I’m from Donna and I’m at work right now, I just finished smoking a blunt while I top it off with a 25oz of Budweiser … Don’t let the comments fool you we be some muther fucking thugs out here

  17. Seriously? Lol whoever made this has no life, and probably isn’t going anywhere in the future ? keep making more posts! Maybe you’ll actually make a living off of them one day,”ghetto snobby mexican” ??? ???

  18. Lol… well if you’re going to call out the entire city, do it the correct way. Where do I begin…. The mayor, she’s trying to fix what stupid left behind, by stupid I do mean Simmons. Donna PD is full of jack asses that think they are above the law, case in point the Chief of Police De Leon himself. DISD who is comprised mostly by cousins and in laws who haven’t got the tools or education to contribute in the building of young animal much less young minds, case in point the Castillo’s, ALL OF THEM! Just because you have a degree with your name on it doesn’t make you the sharpest tool in the shed. Now as far as drug runners & unemployed miscreants…. well maybe if Donna PD ever actually did their job we wouldn’t have all this crime. Maybe if our citizens felt safe among each other there wouldn’t be a need to pack heat. I get it… “haters guide” I too hate a lot of the SHIT that happens in Donna also, but unless the citizens stand up and voice their concerns things will always remain the same. BTW… I am a woman and have three daughters and we all attended Donna High School… I TOTALLY agree we DID NOT NEED A NEW HIGH SCHOOL! Who was it built for…. all the illegals that have moved into the chicken huts in the neighboring areas around the NEW MULTI MILLION HIGH SCHOOL. We Redskins show pride in our team and for our players. We bleed Maroon and Gold! I love my city and once upon a time it was a great place with pride and it was progressing, but since the mid 90’s it’s been at a stand still. We’re finally starting to crawl again, mean while the surrounding city’s are running a fast pace and leaving us in the dust. GET A MOVE ON DONNA!! JD….. Let me know when you really want to call these F**KERS. I’d be glad to help. Have a great day!!

  19. Your so stupid , Donna is not bad , Donna is not full of thugs , for your information , Donna is just a small town , Known by alot of people because Of the “Disque pandillas”their is , but not because of that , Students are gonna stop , graduating each year ? . DONNA ISD , its better than Alamo , Or other districts , even thoe donna has less economy , Donna gives out what students cant aford . In other school son bien pinches you have to pay for it .! Also just because a girl went out with a teacher , dosent mean all girls from donna are the same , i am from donna and i am not affraid of saying that . Their is nothing compared to donna . So get your shit straight and Get to know the people from Donna .!

    • Haha. People from donna are so stupid, you actually think your town is something. Better than alamo? Really. Donna is the one of the poorest districts. I know I worked there for 3 months and left….gladly left to mcallen. Its a shitty district that matches the city. So please don’t even go there.

  20. Dude!! I feel exactly the same way as you! Seriously! If I could I would drop some kind of chemical in all of P.S.J.A., Donna, Weslaco, and Mercedes to prevent these people from breeding! Nothing but a plague to the rest of the RGV!

    • Calm down, the entire valley sucks big dick ????
      You must be from Mcallen…or another town of pretentious idiots that think they’re better than their neighbors lol

  21. I like this shit. Im a druggie from donna i roam around the alley suckkng D##@ for crack. I was a victim of the hazing which caused my addictions and fucked up head. I love donna and all the young sleezy hoes. Fingrz in my buttt.

  22. Ha you a hater so why dont you stfu what city are you from? is it pendejos’ville ! Well thank you for the attention i love it my services are offered any time but i can cut you up for free ??

  23. I am extremely dissapointed in the lame-ass level of hate displayed in this post.

    No mention that Donna’s reservoir is a SUPERFUND site?

    No rumors about Javier, the municipal judge, being a Gulf Cartel stooge?

    No chisme about the Donna ISD wedding in Vegas?

    Not even a dig at the creepy former city manager? Or a lame joke about high property taxes?

    How about a Donna bridge diss? That thing makes subprime mortgages look like a good investment.

    Come back with a real hater’s guide bro. This shit is a love letter to Donna

  24. Lmao im from Donna and Im sure glad I moved away. I would never raise my kids there. I’m not any of what you said of Donna girls, I was raised right. But Donna does suck, & Donna does have drug & whore problems. Lol AWESOME Article.

  25. I myself was shitted out of this city to be a great success, my friends like to eat each other off. Im a senior at donna high and i like to buttsex my friends. They enjoy it when im on drugz. Ive never done alcohol but i think i smoke tire rubber and bath saltz to get high. When I do I like to buttsex my friends. My mom dropped me as a 3 year old on the head i just had a headache. So i buttsex my friends. Every time i walk past the lunch ladies at donna high i buttsex the fountain but she doesnt like that. Either way i buttsex then i go to wingstop for 50 cent wings on mondays and buttsex. every since they gated the school i get better chances to buttsex the ground cause buttsex.
    IM actually where JD is from can i have buttsex from you im a Liger. Ill roar like the 7 nations and realms of this earth. I will buttsex your mind into a universe your mind has never entered. Buttsexing is not just a thing its a way of life.

  26. Lmao where all the Donna illiterates at! The ” we reppin 956ghosttown!” Damn all these people posting negative comments yet they can’t fucking spell. Y’all making Donna proud keep up the work. Oh yeah, DHS principal Castillo is a bitch!!!!!!!

  27. Yeah your right I would stab your ass if you ever came to the ghost. But seriously this is a trolling article trying to get people pissed. Don’t fucking give this faggot the time of day. Leave it to the people who don’t have the dick to say this shit in person. Your lucky you have the internet your mother pays for with the money I have her for the 10 dollar blow job after she sniffed I fat rail off my dick. But I’m glad you have purpose in life to talk shit. Lmfao.troll troll troll how cute you have nothing better to do.

  28. Are the rest of the city articles this short? You could write a whole book on the corruption of the school board alone. I went back and visited Donna (my hometown, 2000 graduate) a few years ago after being gone for a while and it doesn’t seem like anything’s gotten better. Anyone saying that is fooling themselves. I’m glad I left, and that my parents eventually did, too.

    • To put it into perspective, since Donna won their state title, we hadn’t walked on the moon yet, the civil rights act hadn’t been signed yet, and US involvement in the Vietnam War hadn’t even started yet.

      Donna residents walk around lording this state title like it wasn’t a lifetime ago.

      Thanks for reading, though πŸ™‚

  29. Ive dated four women from donna, i know “fool me once” right? I was engaged to one she left me for her side dude. Two were married one I knew about the other caught me by surprise when her husband came home from afghanistan. The last one was just a fwb relationship with a girl who had 2 other friends with benifits one male and one female. Glad i finally found me a non-valley girl from up north

  30. Hey Bench wire guy wtf!?!? Im upset i cant find a haters guide for Brownsville!!! The real gem or maybe the real cubic zirconium of the valley! Do brownsville please

  31. State Champs Woohoo get over it people! Butt hurt cuz it’s the fucken truth! Suck it up fellow Donna-ites! Lmffao I’m from Donna y que? Be real n take the truth like winners not sorry ass losers!

  32. You my friend are a mother fucking genius!!
    Im from Donna and it is true all of us have done a fucking drug run or know someone! Man ive read all of the haters guides and son of a bitch was entertained!!!
    Man these sorry ass people are just sensitive man. Keep up the hilarious work!
    Ps. I would love to contribute to all the shit talking about the valley.

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