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Even Elon Musk Knows That Nobody Actually Lives In Brownsville

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elon musk brownsville

Elon Musk, billionaire boy who just tripped balls after having launched a God-damn car into space, took a minute to completely shit all over the non-existent people who live (or don’t?) just a few miles over in the outskirts of Brownsville. Keep Reading

McAllen’s Tim Wilkins Is Running One Weird Campaign

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Tim Wilkins McAllen

A little after McAllen City Commissioner Richard Cortez announced that he would be running for the vacant Hidalgo County Judge seat against Eloy Pulido, three candidates have thrown their name into the ring to step in and replace Cortez; none of which have had a more bat-shit campaign than Tim Wilkins.  Keep Reading

KGBT Channel 4 ValleyCentral Is Running A Story That Is Basically An Ad

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KGBT, Channel 4, ValleyCentral.com

If you peruse through ValleyCentral.com, you’ll notice that one of their latest stories is headlined “Southwest Airlines offering flights as low as $59,” which, on its face may be newsworthy, but once you click on the link, the post is void of any journalistic input and kinda looks like a paid advertisement. Keep Reading

Let’s Photoshop Hidalgo County Commissioner Joseph Palacios’ Weird Campaign Sign

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Hidalgo County Commissioner for Pct. 4, Joseph Palacios, is running for re-election and I can’t NOT look at his severely awkward campaigns signs. Keep Reading

Advance News Journal Has A Lot Of Questions; No Answers, Apparently

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On my morning commute, I spotted a homeless man starting a fire underneath the underpass to warm himself from our recent cold front. His combustible material of choice? Wednesday’s edition of Advance News Journal of course! See, it actually burns much longer than most papers because it’s actually covered with shit. As I happened to spot the latest edition’s headlines, I nearly fell into an existential crisis; transported into a reality where a front cover of a (news)paper could ask so many questions and answer literally none of them.

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Nominate Me For 2017 RGV Citizen Of The Year (Or Don’t, Whatever)

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2017 RGV Citizen of the year

The Monitor is asking for nominations for RGV Citizen of the Year and, although we’ve had our run-ins, I’m sure The Monitor would gladly accept my nomination from you, my readers. Keep Reading

RIP Gamehaus; McAllen Bar To Close By The End of The Month

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Gamehaus

According to an agreed judgment filed in Hidalgo County’s 332nd District Court, Gamehaus has agreed to cease operations after December 31st of this year, ending a nearly two-year long legal battle with the City of McAllen. Keep Reading

RGV High School Football Playoffs: Valley Week Preview

in RGV/Sports by

It’s late November and we’re now in the 3rd. round of the UIL high school football playoffs, commonly known all around Region IV, which includes Central and South Texas, as “Valley Week” or “Valley Weak” if you’re an asshole. The Bench Wire is here to preview all four games and gauge whether our guys have any shot at making it to the next round. Keep Reading

Univision and Vicente Gonzalez Fucked Up Royally; Claimed Church Killer Was 4Chan Meme

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US Rep Vicente Gonzalez

In the wake of Sunday morning’s tragedy where a gunman opened fire during a morning service at First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, killing 26 men, women, and children, news outlets sought reactions of various congressmen to help fill in airtime. In this instance, While Univision had first-year representative, and known Popeyes distributor, Vicente Gonzalez on a live telecast, Univision’s anchor broke the news to the world, and unsuspecting Gonazlez, that the killer was none other than Sam Hyde. Keep Reading

The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Hidalgo

in Rants/RGV by
haters guide to the valley hidalgo

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We got pulled over for going 29 on a 30. Welcome to Hidalgo.

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