Sports

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There’s Literally Only One Path Left For LeBron To Be The GOAT

After playing 18 seasons in the NBA, there really isn’t much left to discuss. Cutting through the opinions about his free-agent orchestrations, the “decision,” the “not one – not two,” and even his politics, LeBron James, by all accounts that matter, is the 2nd greatest player who ever picked up a basketball. Period.
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The Bench Wire’s Hater’s Guide to the First Round of the 2021 NFL Draft

The First Round of the 2021 NFL Draft is airing tonight live from LeBron’s ex-toilet. Will the 49ers select Mac Jones? Where will Justin Fields land? Will Roger Goodell be more blitzed than last year? Will Todd McShay and Mel Kiper make out? WHO KNOWS!?

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Every Sexual Harassment Suit Filed Against Deshuan Watson (Updated)

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Houston Texans all-world quarterback, Deshaun Watson has been named as a defendant in 13 different lawsuits brought by 16 different plaintiff women, all alleging that Deshaun Watson committed unwanted sexual advances against each of them.

The attorney representing all 16 women, Houston’s Tony Buzbee, has already hinted that there are still more lawsuits that could potentially be filed in Harris County, where the plaintiffs currently live and/or where the alleged unwanted sexual advances occurred.

In the interest of keeping everyone up to speed, we’ve decided to make a running database of each lawsuit and their allegations.

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Racist High School Announcer Calls Team “Fucking Nig—s” on Broadcast For Kneeling During National Anthem

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A high school basketball announcer in Oklahoma was caught on a hot mic calling the girls basketball team from Norman High School “fucking niggers” for kneeling in protest during the national anthem prior to their game on Thursday.

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Committee: School Song ‘The Eyes of Texas’ “Intent…Was Not Overtly Racist”

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A committee commissioned by the University of Texas – Austin in November 2020 to explore the history and potential racial undertones of the school’s alma mater, “The Eyes of Texas” has concluded that its “intent…was not overtly racist,” and has also outlined broader strategies to better educate students on inclusion as well as commissioning a “special orchestration of “The Eyes” with (a) version composed or performed by a Black musician.”
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TBW Useless Stats: Which College Does Each NFL Team Draft From The Most?

Which player has the most career home runs? Who has the single-season passing touchdown record? Which country has won the most World Cups?

These are just some of the most mainstream, widely known stats in sports; but why settle for mainstream sports stats (yuck!) when you can impress your friends with USELESS STATS?! Nothing else screams “my life is definitely not an empty shell and I am certainly an interesting person” like interjecting a sports discussion with some of the most useless, trivial stats ever compiled.

Strap in and get ready for the Elias Sports Bureau to eat your ass with this knowledge thanks to your friends at The Bench Wire!

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Let’s Welcome The NBA’s Newest Team: The Tampa Bay Raptors Because 2020!

Ok, so maybe not technically a “new team” but the NBA and the Toronto Raptors have officially announced that the team will start the season by playing their home games in Tampa Bay instead of Toronto, due to Canada’s current restrictions on travel that would have made playing games against US-based teams almost impossible.

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According To The #1 Recruit in The Country, No—Texas Football Is Definitely Not Back

Quinn Ewers, Southlake Carroll (TX) High School’s all-world quarterback, has announced his intent to sign with the Ohio State Buckeyes over the in-state Texas Longhorns after initially committing to Texas earlier this year, firmly burying the notion that Texas Longhorns football is of any consequence anymore.

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Dak Prescott Bet Everything On Himself And Tragically Lost

Last summer, with the NFL season still up in the air, negotiations suddenly stalled between Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Dak Prescott and the Cowboys front office general managers/owners, Stephen and Jerry Jones. In the face of increasing scrutiny as to whether Prescott was even worth a record-setting deal, Dak’s camp moved to play on a 1-year, $31.4 million franchise tag, betting on himself to prove his worth this year under a new coach and immense expectations.

Now, with Prescott’s devastating injury he suffered on Sunday, his dreams of a record-setting deal may have just dissipated.

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Fat, Ugly Sportswriter Jason Whitlock Is Calling Out ESPN’s Katie Nolan and Maria Taylor’s “Beauty Privilege”

Sports TV personality and sad sack of expired hamburger meat Jason Whitlock took a small break from lording over the criminal underworld of Tatooine to shit out a diarrhea of a take and call out ESPN’s Katie Nolan and Maria Taylor for using their “beauty privilege” in lieu of talent to acquire lucrative jobs at the world-wide network.

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