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Reminder: Judge “Gin and Juice” Nora Longoria Wants Your Vote On Election Day

in RGV/The News
Judge nora longoria dwi mugshot
Judge nora longoria dwi mugshot

Remember that Judge that got pulled over for DWI? Well, she’s running for office again, so now would be a great time to refresh our memory on the absolute shit-show that was Judge Nora Longoria’s DWI arrest and every rat-assed event that followed.

Early morning, Saturday, July 12th, 2014, Longoria was pulled over by McAllen PD near 23rd. and Freddy Gonzalez going 69 on a 55-MPH zone. Here is the video from that night:

There’s quite a bit to unpack in the video, but here are some of the lowlights:

1: @ the beginning of the video, you can hear her plead for clemency from the officer, telling him that she is a “grieving widow.” She’s referring to her late husband, David Hockema who had died a little over a year prior.

2: @ 0:44, Longoria has her first field sobriety exam administered, to which she immediately fails, jerking her head and unable to look at the pen in front of her without looking and sounding like a completely God-damn mess.

3: @ 2:00, Longoria requests to take her heels off and begins to blame her lack of gravity on the shoes she’s wearing, in a sad attempt to physics her way out of an arrest.

4: @ 2:15 it’s almost inaudible what she says, but you can sort of make out Longoria saying “When you’re a 50-year old judge, this does not happen to you” again, attempting to use her position to sneak off without an arrest.

5: @ 2:40 When having the 2nd field sobriety test administered (walk in a straight line), Longoria argues that she cannot do the test. Eventually, she gives in and struggles mightily to keep balance.

6: @ 6:40 The 3rd field sobriety test is administered (leg out), and again, Longoria complains that she can not do the exam. She then complies and on her self-counted 7th second, loses balance and almost falls over. She then slurs out to the officer “I know I lost my balance, but I’m not fucked up. Can I try it again?” When the officer tells her that she has to hold her leg out for at least 30 seconds, she complains to him again and pleads saying “I’ll lose my licence, I’ll lose my judgeship.” After the officer, again, asks if she wants to do the test again, she asks “What do you think I should do? I don’t want (you to think) I’m trying to cheat or anything…I live right there.” He, for a third time asks if she wants to continue with the test, to which she says “No…did I pass?” To which the officer responds, “No, you did not.”

7: @ 8:55 The officer instructs Longoria to move back to her car and asks if she would like to put her shoes on to which she defiantly rejects. She then subsequently, pathetically, pleads for consideration from the officer to let her go

8: @ 10:58 There is some video continuity errors as the video jumps to the officer seemingly places Longoria under arrest, and then goes back the moments prior to her arrest.

10: @ 12:15 Longoria refuses to be arrested and pleads to the officer again.

11: @ 13:30 Longoria defiantly states “I will not be cuffed.” and begins to sound like a 1st-year law student and starts stating that she has not been read her rights claiming that she “has rights.” and continues to say “Where are my Miranda’s?” which are the typical Miranda Rights stated while someone is arrested. The officer then says “Miss Longoria, you know the way the law is.” to which she replies to the officer “Oh yes I do baby.” After an awkward pause, he simply says “I’m not a baby, either” to which she quips “Oh, yes you are.

12: @ 14:27 The video jumps to where 3 officers are now at the scene, showing her being carted off by officers.

The following November, Longoria had her DWI charge dismissed by Hidalgo County Court at Law No. 8 Judge Rolando Cantu, claiming the dismissal was “in the interest of justice.” as then-District Attorney Rene Guerra bafflingly claimed that there was not enough evidence to prosecute Longoria and that she had only been cited for speeding.

When asked about Longoria’s case, Guerra literally said: “When looking at the video it doesn’t sound to me like she had slurred speech.”

When asked about the dismissal, McAllen’s PD Chief Victor Rodriguez didn’t mince words, saying “It’s somebody that knows somebody,” the police chief said. “He made a decision based on that. And when caught in the public discussion of that, he’s trying to shift the blame.”

Today, Longoria’s opponent is Republican Greg Perkes, a former 13th Court of Appeals judge who lost his place on the Court of Appeals to Leticia Hinojosa in 2016.

Being the Editor in Chief of this site invites a plethora of different people who message our site, complaining about their elected officials. Yeah, we all make mistakes, but shit, you’re talking about a person who tried to use both her dead husband and her position to get out of being cuffed and at the end of the day, she still got off scot-free while we would have had the book thrown at us.

This is your chance to get rid of this person who doesn’t deserve your vote.

Oh and for the record, if you ever become a moderately popular person, enough so to run for elected office, you should probably invest $12 to buy your own domain name.

Six Whole-Ass Valley News Sites and None of Them Had a Unique Thought on Last Night’s Debate

in RGV/The News
Cruz Beto Debate Valley News

After a hotly contested, final debate in one of the most anticipated Senate races in recent history between Senator Ted Cruz and Congressman Beto O’Rourke, KRGV, KGBT-Valley Central, The Monitor, The Valley Morning Star, The Brownsville Herald, and the Rio Grande Guardian woke up this morning with a real chance to add their own unique reporting on last night’s events and all of them just said ‘fuck it.’ Keep Reading

Hey, Richard Molina, Go Fuck Yourself

in RGV/The News
Mayor Richard The Dick Molina

Edinburg Mayor Richard “The Dick” Molina has spent all of a few months in office and has already given voters virtually every reason to loathe him entirely. This week’s episode? Killing Anonymous RGV’s Facebook page because, maybe, his feelings got hurt, I guess. Keep Reading

La Villa Aldermen Raise Back Their Per Diem To $250 A Day; Give No Shits

in RGV/The News
la villa the monitor

La Villa board of aldermen voted last Wednesday to raise back their daily trip spending allowance (per diem) from $150 to $250 just two years out from their controversial trip to Las Vegas that saw aldermen pocket over $2,250 in taxpayer money each. Keep Reading

McAllen’s Tim Wilkins Is Running One Weird Campaign

in RGV/The News
Tim Wilkins McAllen

A little after McAllen City Commissioner Richard Cortez announced that he would be running for the vacant Hidalgo County Judge seat against Eloy Pulido, three candidates have thrown their name into the ring to step in and replace Cortez; none of which have had a more bat-shit campaign than Tim Wilkins.  Keep Reading

Nobody, Not Even Roy Moore’s Accusers, Will Win

in Rants/The News

At the time of this writing, former Alabama Supreme Court Justice and Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore stands accused of sexual misconduct from five different women and when the dust finally settles, everybody including the GOP, Moore, his accusers, other victims of sexual assault, the voters, will have all lost. Keep Reading

McAllen City Commission Finally Eats The Dick; Passes Smoking Ban

in RGV/The News
McAllen City Commission Eats The Dick

On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission passed an ordinance effectively banning smoking from all public places and most private establishmentsNo, let me try that lede again.

On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission communed together for a grand feast, culminating from months of preparation thanks to some wet blanket and this pretentious email. On the menu for the evening? THE Dick, and the city commission just swallowed it whole. Keep Reading

Donna Mayoral Candidate Forgets He Doesn’t Actually Live In Donna; Get’s Disqualified

in RGV/The News

Jose Ernesto Lugo Jr. had announced his intentions to run for Mayor of Donna back in early June, joining three others vying for the same spot. After months of campaigning and fundraising and customizing fancy polo shirts, the City of Donna has disqualified him from November’s mayoral race because Lugo seemingly forgot that he didn’t live within Donna city limits.

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PSYCH! Brownsville Shitty Commissioner Cesar De Leon Won’t Resign After All

in RGV/The News
Cesar De Leon

WELP! The City of Brownsville spokeswoman Roxanna Rosas has stated that embattled Brownsville City Commissioner At Large “A” Cesar De Leon has rescinded his letter of resignation that he had submitted to the city just four days ago. This will be our fourth story covering this dip-shit and I’m already sick of it. Keep Reading

Brownsville City Commissioner Cesar De Leon Has Resigned For The Dumbest Reason

in RGV/The News

Three days after having apologized during a city commission meeting for calling two black county prosecutors “niggers,” as well as calling other female officials “bitch” and “twat,” among other things during a secretly recorded conversation between himself and Carlos Elizondo, and concluding the message affirmatively stating that he would not resign, Brownsville City Commissioner Cesar De Leon has resigned from his post effective immediately in the most bullshit way possible. Keep Reading

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