The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Monitor’s 2016 Choice Awards

in Rants/RGV

Bring out the red carpet and bust out our finest $9-est champagne! It’s the The Monitor’s 2016 Readers’ Choice Awards (breakfast banquet)! ALL the local big-wigs are here like the fresh cadaver running for congress and a giant dick from Hidalgo (maybe!). So strap-on that strap-on and get ready to get skull-fucked by the best of the best that the Valley has to offer!

For those of you who don’t have a clue on what I’m talking about, you’re not alone. The Monitor Readers’ Choice Awards had a marketing campaign that made Bobby Jindal’s campaign manager look like Don Draper. Unless you’re a retired 93 year-old still reading their hard-copy newspaper, I doubt you even knew that The Monitor holds this every year.

The results of The Monitor’s readers choice awards have the legitimacy of a North Korean election. The whole thing is just one giant circle-jerk between McAllen, The Monitor, and other local officials to cum all over each other with.

The Winners!

Favorite fajitas: Koko’s Mexican Restaurant. – Jesus, one result in and I’m already tired of the “Hispandering” going on. Favorite fajitas? Why not just go all the way and make a category for “favorite horchata” and “favorite panchos” while you’re at it. No, there’s nothing special about Koko’s. Their fajitas are the same as EVERY God-damn Mexican restaurant from here to Brownsville.

From their menu:

City officials, mayors, downtown business owners, shoppers and the average Joe found their way to downtown McAllen to eat at Koko’s. So much so that the restaurant soon inherited an additional nickname, “POLITI-KOKO’S”, named for the amount of political influence that was eating at the restaurant at any given time.

Great. Now I know where the next gang-bang will be.

Favorite pizza: Pizza Hut Of course the Valley would vote a national chain as their “favorite pizza.” These are probably the same people who go to Red Lobster while they’re on vacation in San Antonio.

Favorite veterinarian: Dr. David Heflin I bet the highest honor a vet like Dr. Heflin can attain is that maybe one day, he can have the honor of performing surgery on the President’s dog. Go work for a zoo, guy.

Favorite new car and used car dealerships: Bert Ogden Auto Group. Bob Vackar married rich and now has a God damn college named after him. What a country.

Favorite convenience store: Stripes. BRING BACK CIRCLE K YOU MONSTERS!!!!!

Favorite teacher: Fernando Perez of Mission CISD. I already get a lot of hate (about as much as I dish), but the most over-rated jobs in the US are teachers. In what profession can you make a substantial salary AND have 16 weeks of vacation? Unless you’re Kimo out there teaching delinquents “Cal-coo-los” you’re a God-damn babysitter. I’m not buying it.

Favorite physical therapist: Dr. Joey Cadena This guy has to deal with physically handling your overweight grandma along with everybody else’s broken grandma every fucking day. Give this man a beer.

Favorite chiropractor: Dr. Pablo Tagle III. Much like the insignificant knowledge gap that exists between dental hygienists and dentists, a masseuse and a Chiro can basically do just about the same thing.

Favorite sports medicine: Dr. Patrick Sander. A lot of Docs-who-aren’t-real-docs got their due recognition today, huh. Next step, The Nobel Prize you guys!

Favorite hospital: Rio Grande Regional Hospital. For profit hospitals prey on the poor who have no insurance, gouging them for money they don’t have and Rio Grande Regional is no different. They can all eat dicks.


Favorite bank and mortgage company: IBC
Owners of this sad website, IBC is best known for being that bank with the ATM inside of Wal-Mart.

Favorite tamales: Delia’s. I’m pretty sure that this category was made JUST for Delia’s. Who the hell else was on the ballot? The old lady on Mile 5?

Favorite city: McAllen And so completes the circle-jerk

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4 Comments

  1. I have emailed several reporters about distorted and politically correct stories in the Monitor. Their reporters are millennial snowflake morons who need safe spaces and coloring books. They do not want to hear the truth or report it either. This paper would be useful if you run out of toilet paper.

  2. Former Valley dude who left that God-forsaken place for Austin. Now making a “substantial salary” as a teacher and paying twice the rent NOT to live in the Valley. Sixteen weeks of vacation is not nearly enough time away to maintain my sanity.

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