The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Mercedes

in Rants/RGV

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We finally figured out where that smell was coming from. Welcome To Mercedes.

Population

16,352, all of whom were conceived at the Wes-Mer via a 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best.

Mayor

Henry Hinojosa, pictured here looking just as surprised as you are that he’s still Mayor after winning his last election by just 35 votes.

For the most part, Hinojosa leads a quiet administration with little to no REAL drama. When researching him, I did, however, run into his twitter page he created some 3 years ago with 6 tweets (THAT’S 2 TWEETS A YEAR!).

Researching Mercedes politics was the worst. “Oh, Henry only won by 35 votes, the same amount as his mail-in ballots. COINCIDENCE???!!!” You guys couldn’t buy a good scandal. Where’s the good stuff? Where’s THE SPICE? Where’s the mayor with the getting busted with heroin? Where’s the asshole Mayor pro-tem?

Nothing.

Get your shit together, Mercedes.

Why Mercedes Sucks

Having grown up in the church, I can say with absolute certainty that driving around downtown Mercedes feels like witnessing the rapture come to life; like an episode of “The Leftovers,” where every now and again you see one or two lost souls walking around aimlessly without a purpose. I never feel the cold touch of loneliness as much as I do while driving through Business 83 and through all the old abandoned buildings that were once booming with business and have long closed up shop. It’s fucking depressing. I’m pretty sure there’s a city ordinance that requires you to have a Rx for Prozac before you can buy property there.

Let’s get this shit straight right now and forever: Mercedes WAS NOT named after one of Porfirio Diaz’ wives.

From Dr. Beatrice de León-Edwards:

So “The Queen City” is based either on a lie, or even better, a mistake. Either way, it’s just so satisfyingly fitting that it would happen to Mercedes.

The Livestock Show is the human embodiment of Javier Molina’s Cowboy Cumbia with none of the charm. I can personally guarantee that 98% of the guys dressed like cowboys there have never actually been near a fucking ranch. If I wanted to spend my night getting my feet stepped on by snot-faced kids running away from their inattentive parents, I’d just hang out with my demon nephews FOR FREE! So no, I will not purchase a $20 coke to wash down my $40 funnel cake. You know, it takes a very malicious group of people to direct 4,000 plus vehicles from 10 different lanes to funnel themselves into a single-lane 20 MPH back-road through some random neighborhood to escape back to civilization.

We’ve been over this before, and I’ll say it over again. Fuck the outlets. No discount is worth spending hours outside with a fussy 3-year old named Sebastiàn who, somehow, has better hair than you do and his obnoxious dad wearing some festively pastel Lacoste polo and his medicated mother who has more plastic in her than a recycling center. A Napsack at Saks will cost you a nutsack. Again, unless they say “Factory Store” or “Outlet” on the name, you’ll end up paying the same price as you would at the mall.

Why Mercedes Doesn’t Suck

Better to shop at the outlets than Harlingen’s shit mall. Just try your best not to drink the water.

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