The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley : San Benito

in RGV

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

Our tour moves forward to a city nobody has ever been to: San Benito.

24,374 (2013), or that’s 24,374 cardboard cut-outs. Got it.

Mayor: Celeste Z. Sanchez

Glad to see that Raymond’s mom from Everybody Loves Raymond isn’t dead.


Why this city sucks:

The only good thing to ever come out of this city was Freddy Fender. Oh! and that one Olympic Gold Medalist, Bobby Morrow. These two success stories don’t matter when you’re the lamest town in the lower valley. San Benito you’re the DUFF of the Valley. Pigskin is all you get and that’s cause they took away a few schools from you! San Benito, you’re just another glitch in the Matrix, just like Alamo. Nobody ever says, “Lets stop in San Benito and get supplies for the Beach.” Nope! They either get them in Harlingen or in Port Isabel or even at the Island, but nobody ever wants to make a pit stop there. San Benito you have nothing to offer and you know that, you just try to hide under Harlingen’s shadow and hope that nobody notices your uselessness.
San Benito you are the friend-zoned city of the valley. You will never get to fuck anyone. So go fuck yourself.

Why this city MIGHT not suck:

“Lets allow the teenagers to bring the most revenue to our city.” said the city officials. And well, this is the case. Kids are the stars of this city. From the Battle of the Arroyo to the Annual Pigskin Jubilee; kids have been the cause for seats at stadiums to be sold out and grown ups eat it up. This city has a lot of heart, nothing that draws the crowds (when its not football season)
but still a lot of heart.



  1. Easy there bro, you’re talking about MY hometown. San Benito has way more to offer than most cities. where are you from??

  2. Raised in Atlanta, I could say living in the valley is what I call a “lack of cultural diversity.” Let’s be serious; unless San Benito builds some kind of major attraction for the whole valley, this place is pretty dead. Either way, this city is way better than, say Brownsville (no offense guys, but I don’t think I wan’t to put up with crazy drivers every time I drive down there).

  3. The writer seems to be upset at the city of San Benito. Rio hondo is a way smaller city and I don’t see you trash talking about that city. I bet someone from San Benito broke your heart and now you’re just sore about it.

  4. Lol. This article is subnormal opinions from a mediocre writer who has some vendetta against one city in the valley. Truth is, the entire RGV is filled with backwards retards including the author of this article. Harlingen suck, SB sucks, Brownsville, sucks Los fesnos sucks and so on. Don’t single out one city when they all blow.

  5. I suppose people don’t understand satire down here. Chill out guys, it was written like this on purpose. I found it humorous, but some people get so butt hurt over someone else poking fun at their hometown. Is there one for Harlingen already? Oh and don’t forget the gem that is Combes. Cheers

  6. Wow….. This is very good stuff, right on point, you head the nail dead on the head. I must admit that the lifestyle in the valley is a bit outdated and left behind. Need to get them up to speed with the real world, I can’t wait to hear what you got to say about Raymondville.

  7. hit it on the nail with all your stories. Great read and even though it touched a spot for my home town still true and enjoyable to read. Thank you for your truthful insites. Its what everyone wants to say out load about their hometowns but couldn’t.

  8. Ready to read Brownsville’s guide. People need to let the butthurt go and perhaps add the fact that you lose cell reception as your passing San Benito…all Tommy Knockers town.

    Yes sir…Harlingen Cards got their ass plucked!!!!!!!!!!

    Probably nothing to you city slickers, but to us small town folk…well that’s big shit!

  10. Haha, right on dude! I grew up here, and all of this is so true! I would probably add that San Benito is the Detroit of the valley, if that makes sense.

  11. San Benito suxs ass. It’s full of shit-colored wetbacks, inbred racist white-trash and your token welfare negro.

  12. The city of San Benito needs a Mayor and city manager that will actually do something for the city. If you only new the stuff that happens and then they try to keep it low-key. No one speaks up. Its like they have dirt on each other. From pot holed, dirt road streets to a water plant that should not have broken down so soon. If outside business men and builders try to jobs for the city they should give them a chance, not just people who say they are hometown boys and put the city in a bind.

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