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The Bench Wire’s 2016 Election Night Predictions

in The News by

It’s finally here. It’s almost over. By this time tomorrow we will have a new president-elect and find something else to argue about for the next few years until 2020.

But before this shitstorm ends, we have one last shot at predicting what will most likely go down tonight:

US House of Representatives Texas 15th District:
Walking #mannequinchallenge Vicente Gonzalez (D) will finally complete his year-long jizz-a-thon and annihilate Tim Westley (R), a guy you didn’t even know existed until just now. Democrat-turned-Green Party (can you do that? I don’t think you can do that.) Vanessa Tijerina is also running. She is best known for forcing her sad kid to hold up a sign about gay bullying, which now seems more staged than ever. Vanessa is the angry mom that the other parents HATE dealing with during school fundraisers. I have her over/under at 10 votes and you better believe I’m taking the under.

Vicente Gonzalez (D) over Tim Westley (R), 70%-30%

Hidalgo County Sheriff:
Al Perez (R) has a better shot at taking down Eddie “the ‘stach” Guerra (D) in this rematch with GOP registrations going up over the last two years. Perez lost 63%-26% under the shadow that Sheriff Treviño’s arrest cast over the election. Not much will change this year.

Eddie Guerra (D) over Al Perez (R), 61%-39%

Proposition One:
I get the arguments on both sides. Yes, the Valley needs some type of medical care reform because criminally over-charging uninsured patients thousands upon thousands of dollars is a really shitty system. On the other hand, that’s a lot of public money we’re blindly sending out to private entities that could potentially line the pockets of some already RICH motherfuckers. Prop One’s endgame to help out the most uninsured area in the country is in the right place, it’s just the worst possible way to go about it.

Alonzo Cantu can suck a dick and pay me to watch him.

No over Yes, 70%-30%

US President:
A year and a half ago, we all thought Trump running was a joke. A billion scandals and a few million American extremists later and here we are. Clinton’s going to win tonight, but it won’t be as large a margin as the left is trying to predict.

Hillary Clinton (D) over Donald Trump (R), 294 – 244

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