While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
Rain..rain everywhere last Friday. Unfortunately it didn’t seem to cleanse the awful football being played.
These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:
#5 Brownsville Pace (0-3) – Brownsville schools in the bottom 5 are like moles in a whack-a-mole. You get one out, you know another one’s gonna pop in; you just never really know which one. The Pace Vikings find themselves being the new kid on the block who got here by way of losing to perennial bottom 5 Brownsville Lopez (1-2). Although they’re #5 for worst football team, they have to be challenging for worst mascot. I mean, you COULD have been the Pacers, which would have made more sense. But Vikings? I’m sorry, but do you see any families of Nordic decent anywhere in Brownsville? No. But of course, the RGV has an affinity for stupid mascot names.
#4 Donna North Chiefs (0-3) – Loss #13!!! YES!! That game against Mission (now 1-2) was probably your best shot at getting out of the bottom 5! Now I can start printing that banner that says “2015 Donna North Chiefs, 0-10 Again.” To their credit, the Chiefs aren’t exactly getting blown out. All of their losses have been by 10 points or less. A small terrible part of me hopes that trend continues throughout the whole season; a play here, a play there and they COULD’VE won the game, but no. I guess that’s their penance for siphoning decent players from the Redskins and, in a matter of a few short seasons, ruin Donna football for good.
#3 Lasara Lions (1-0) – THEY DID IT!!! Lasara took down fellow bottom fiver Pharr Oratory and gave us ALL the finger. And Lasara didn’t just win; they hung Oregon numbers on Pharr Oratory (0-3) scoring an astounding 41 points. Now, of course, none of this is a testament to how good Lasara is, but how terrible Pharr Oratory is. But still, this should be a moment of celebration before they get trucked and run over by everyone else again until, of course, they play Pharr Oratory for a 2nd time this year.
#2 Progreso Red Ants (0-2) – God saved Progreso this passed Friday by sending unbelievable amounts of water to prevent another Progreso catastrophe. Did you know that the Red Ants haven’t had a winning season in 14 years, and have never had a season with over 6 wins? They are literally cursed in a perpetual state of horrible football. It’s almost biblical: “There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out.” – Luke 13:28
#1 Pharr Oratory Oratorians(?) (0-3) – 41-0. My my my… have these tables turned. Oddly enough, Pharr Oratory scored as many points against Lasara TWICE last year. Science has found a singularity living on planet earth and it is the collective talent on the Pharr Oratory football program. They have finally reached the zenith of these rankings and I, personally, could not be any more proud for this ragtag football team of alter boys and choir members. God has surely blessed The Bench Wire with such a terrible, terrible team.
Brownsville Lopez Lobos (1-2)