2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 3

2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 3


While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

GGG got fucking robbed and even Canelo homers have to admit that. Also if you haven’t heard, Brownsville City Commissioner Cesar De Leon doesn’t seem to like black people and KRGV seems to not give a shit. It’s been a hell of a week.

These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:

#5 Progreso Red Ants (0-2) L 21-18 Santa Rosa: The Red Ants are the only team in history to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. This was quite possibly their last chance to get a win before the year is out and they absolutely blew it. Progreso plays 9 games this year instead of the usual 10 allotted to high school teams. That means one of two things; a) Progreso’s athletic department is just as uncoordinated as its football program and couldn’t get scheduling right or b) teams actually passed up on the opportunity to notch up an easy W for their teams most likely because the cost of injury would be too high to risk on a team like Progreso.

#4 Donna North Chiefs (0-3) L 31-3 La Joya Juarez-Lincoln: Two years ago, Juarez-Lincoln made the playoffs on the back of 4-7 season. This year, the Huskies are 3-0 heading into Week 4. Three years away from an 0-10 season and now the Huskies are a legit team. Progression, like every decent program, happens naturally and organically. Some years, you’ll eat shit; other years, you’re kicking ass. This will NEVER happen to this Donna North team. They are in the same exact spot they were three years ago, 0-3 and no prospects of a win in sight. Mercifully, the Chiefs don’t have an opponent this Friday. Notice how I DIDN’T say “Donna North won’t be playing football this Friday” because in-game or not, when in the hell is this team EVER actually playing football? In two weeks time, they’ll be back on the field ready to get punted into space by Edcouch-Elsa.

#3 Brownsville Porter Cowboys (0-3) L 41-13 Nikki Rowe: The Porter Cowboys keep losing (15 straight Ls now) but can’t seem to clinch our #1 spot on the bottom five. That’s the curse of being a Porter Cowboy. Just when you get close enough to touch victory, you get shit on by another team; in this case, a more terrible team than them. Brownville Porter have no titles; not even “The Worst Team In The Valley” can be awarded to them because even that would be too dignifying.

#2 PSJA Southwest Javelinas (0-3) L 38-6 Rio Grande City La Grulla: 1 week since debuting in our bottom five, the Javelinas are climbing (or sinking?) up (or down?) our charts in a hurry, moving up to our #2 spot. PSJA Southwest trout out the worst offense (4.33 ppg) and the worst point diff (-36.33 ppg) in the Valley. In three games, they’ve scored a grand total of 13 points and might be better off just running the ball straight into a black hole.

#1 PSJA Memorial Wolverines (0-3) L 61-7 Brownville Lopez: PSJA Memorial means business when they lose. They wouldn’t dare continue their record 21-game losing streak with a 1 score squeaker. No, they need you to be MOVED by their losses! They need you to come away from their games feeling like you need an exorcism. It’s almost beautiful. The PSJA school district, altogether, are a combined 3-8 with all 3 wins belonging to the Stand and Deliver extras of PSJA High. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? How did the God damn Bears become the class of this district? Why did Richie Valens and Buddy Holly have to die in that plane crash? What was the point of the ending of The Matrix Revolutions? Why can’t we find Tupac and Biggie’s murderers? I WANT JUSTICE!!! NOTHING MAKES SENSE!!!

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