The First Round of the 2021 NFL Draft is airing tonight live from LeBron’s ex-toilet. Will the 49ers select Mac Jones? Where will Justin Fields land? Will Roger Goodell be more blitzed than last year? Will Todd McShay and Mel Kiper make out? WHO KNOWS!?
I could not be less excited about the actual picks and more excited to watch Mel Kiper shit a chicken once the Lions select a 22nd ranked offensive tackle from Southwestern Alabama A&M School for the Blind.
It IS intriguing that we’ll be watching live, in real-time, a human being’s peak because something like 70% of these dudes drafted tonight are gonna be MAJOR busts and it’ll be the last time we ever hear of them in any sort of meaningful way.
With that, let’s shit our way through how we think the first round’s going down:
#1. Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson – Jacksonville Jaguars
SUUUNNSHIIINE! FINALLY, unleashed from the indentured servitude of college football; a terrific career at Clemson that saw a national championship win and 2 stellar seasons that brought in millions to the school and what does Lawrence get in return? A permanent farmer’s tan thanks to the armpit of Florida, playing for an organization that’s getting the boot from the continental United States and a coach that has never done this before. Good luck, buddy.
#2. Zach Wilson, QB, BYU – New York Jets
Boy did the Jets give up on Sam Darnold in a hurry. Wilson played on God-mode against the likes of North Alabama and UTSA and fell ass-backward into the 2nd pick of the draft.
#3. Mac Jones, QB, Alabama – San Francisco 49ers (from Texans through Dolphins)
Hey, Texans fans. This could have been you. Right here. Picking 3rd. Alas, your organization is run by a verified lunatic who dismantled this franchise faster than it takes Deshaun to jizz himself during a massage. Also, it was literally just a calendar year and a half ago that these 49ers were in the Super Bowl and now they’re ready to trade all that away for a dude they could have had for a bottle of half drank Sprite.
#4. Kyle Pitts, TE, Florida – Atlanta Falcons
Can’t wait for the Falcons to score a million points with this dude, Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley, only for their defense to give up a million and 1 points.
#5. Ja’Marr Chase, WR, LSU – Cincinnati Bengals
The 2nd year into the Kevin McCalister experiment and they’re already giving in to his demands. Home Alone spent all year on his back, but like every dumb kid, he’s demanding the shiny toy at the toy store and the Bengals are the worst god damn parents in the world.
#6. Jaylen Waddle, WR, Alabama – Miami Dolphins (from Eagles)
I hope this dude just breaks through his injuries and just Forrest Gumps his way onto the field after getting injured most of last season, but Miami is the team where first-round receivers go to die.
#7. Penei Sewell, OT, Oregon – Detroit Lions
Ya’ll remember for a minute when Goff looked like a bust his first year? Then he looked like Superman during that Super Bowl run and then immediately became a bust again? It was like he grabbed a Super Mario star and that shit ran out REAL quick. The Lions NEED Sewell to give Goff a million years to hold on to the football and throw 20 more picks this season.
#8. Patrick Surtain II, CB, Alabama – Carolina Panthers
Surtain is probably the safest pick in this draft and the Panthers are DEFINATELY gonna need some help on D once SaMono Darnold throws a million interceptions this year.
#9. Trey Lance, QB, North Dakota State – Denver Broncos
NOW we’re talking. This dude has probably the BIGGEST bust potential in this entire draft but even a wet napkin would do better than Drew Lock.
#10. Jaycee Horn, CB, South Carolina – Dallas Cowboys
WHOOOOOOOODOGGIE, how ‘BOUT DEM COWBOYS…going 6-10 next year because this one pickup sure as shit won’t fix that historically bad defense. I actually admit that the Cowboys (thanks to Stephen) actually draft pretty decently, but God damn it, this is AMERICA’S TEAM. Where’s the SPICE, Jerry? If they don’t at least try to trade up to get a guy like Kyle Pitts, people should RIOT! WE NEED YOUR IDIOCY NOW MORE THAN EVER, JERRY!
#11. Rashawn Slater, OT, Northwestern – New York Giants
The Giants REALLY managed to throw Saquan into the Netherrealm of obscurity. Let me say this loud so they can hear me in Manhattan: Daniel. Jones. Plays. Like. A. Child. With. Lyme. Disease. And. Will. Never. Be. The. Answer. No. Matter. How. Much. Protection. You. Give. Him.
#12. DeVonta Smith, WR, Alabama – Philadelphia Eagles (from 49ers through Dolphins)
You never wanna see a player get hurt, which is exactly why DeVonta should just hang ’em up now before this dude gets absolutely bodied in his first NFL game. This dude is slimmer than most models and I can’t imagine how he DOESN’T break before the first few games.
#13. Alijah Vera-Tucker, OT/G, USC – Los Angeles Chargers
I never realized that moving to Los Angeles could ever make any franchise so irrelevant that their team doctor basically got away with deadly assault for almost killing Tyrod so that Herbert could start.
#14. Jaelan Phillips, EDGE, Miami – Minnesota Vikings
This pick doesn’t matter because this cursed franchise is gonna end up somehow – someway, getting Aaron Rodgers, go on to win 15 games, and then lose in the last second during the NFC championship game.
#15. Justin Fields, QB, Ohio State – New England Patriots
I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but if Justin Fields lands in their laps, I’m going full-blown Q-tard on that shit, fully believing that Belichick cooked up some shit to get other coaches Mac, Zach, and Lance. I mean, the 49ers didn’t start getting linked to Mac Jones until it was reported that the Patriots were interested. Shit is chess, not checkers.
#16. Greg Newsome II, CB, Northwestern – Arizona Cardinals
No more all-world Patrick Peterson in the secondary so this is an obvious pick. There’s probably no franchise I’d like to see win it all than them and, damn it, Fitzgerald deserves that ring. Let’s just hope Kyler’s 4’2″, 98 LB frame holds up.
#17. Micah Parsons, ILB, Penn State – Las Vegas Raiders
I miss the old Raiders where they’d kick the draft in the nuts by drafting the receiver who ran a 4.1 40 with no hands.
#18. Kwity Paye, EDGE/DT, Michigan – Miami Dolphins
I could be wrong but I can’t remember the last time the Dolphins picked anyone who WASN’T a bust in the first round since, like, Dan Marino or some shit. I mean, the guy’s name is fucking Kwity — QUITY!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
#19. Christian Darrisaw, OT, Virginia Tech – Washington Football Team
Great move, (INSERT MASCOT HERE)! Now you just need a QB not named after a shitty beer for Darrisaw to block for!
#20. Teven Jenkins, OT, Oklahoma State – Chicago Bears
Hey, look! Another team picking a lineman to block for an invisible quarterback savior that’s never coming!
#21. Gregory Rousseau, EDGE, Miami – Indianapolis Colts
Prince Harry has had one shitty two years, man. He cut ties with his family, he got on Opera and said they were all racist, his grandpa died, AND he forgot how to play football. Won’t matter, though. The Colts are pretty stacked and are getting better on D with Rousseau, Buckner, and Leonard. They’ll make the playoffs all despite Wentz getting himself sacked 100 times a game.
#22. Elijah Moore, WR, Ole Miss – Tennessee Titans
Derrick Henry’s beast mode prime isn’t gonna last forever and Tannehill won’t survive another season of only existing between the snap and the handoff.
#23. Azeez Ojulari, EDGE/OLB, Georgia – New York Jets (from Seattle Seahawks)
Another solid defensive player who will outperform his rookie contract and then get the fuck out of New York the minute the can.
#24. Najee Harris, RB, Alabama – Pittsburgh Steelers
11-0! Boy was that meltdown spectacular to watch. This actually is a pretty perfect pairing but Najee isn’t trucking Roethlisberger’s old rape-y ass and these Steelers into the playoffs.
#25. Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah, OLB, Notre Dame – Jacksonville Jaguars (from Los Angeles Rams)
I pine for the days of Sacksonville and hope Owusu-Koramoah stands out in a few years, but Urban Meyer has no interest in that. This guy is literally thinking about bringing back Tebow to play on this team. I’m fully convinced that Meyer took this job just to fuck with the Texas Longhorns who spent all winter jerking this guy off.
#26. Christian Barmore, DT, Alabama – Cleveland Browns
The Browns are coming for your quarterback’s head and I’m all about it. In the 2nd round, I’m pretty sure they’re drafting Goro to round out that d-line.
#27. Kadarius Toney, WR, Florida – Baltimore Ravens
Good thing they’re picking up a receiver here because Baltimore’s winning strategy was to have Lamar, a poor thrower, throw to dudes who can’t catch. Go figure.
#28. Caleb Farley, CB, Virginia Tech – New Orleans Saints
This is actually going to be a steal for the Saints as Farley was projected to go in the top 10 before his injuries. Too bad they got 30 for 30 throwing the football now that Brees is gone. OR maybe they’ll vault themselves into the top 10 to draft whatever pieces are remaining of Justin Fields’ psyche.
#29. Zaven Collins, LB, Tulsa – Green Bay Packers
#30. Jayson Oweh, EDGE, Penn State – Buffalo Bills
The Bills have “flash in the pan” written all over them. No way they get to 13 wins and will regress to being a 6 win team with a quarterback they can’t surround with anything.
#31. Trevon Moehrig, S, TCU – Baltimore Ravens (from Chiefs)
Apparently, another part of the Ravens strategy is to trade away one of your better lineman to a conference rival for picks on players who aren’t linemen!
#32. Levi Onwuzurike, DT, Washington – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This pick legit doesn’t matter because this God damn team has all 22 starters back from last year. ALL 22! Christ..Tom Brady is not human.