While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
Overpriced booster tacos? -check!
The band terribly covering your favorite pop songs? -check!
30 old mom’s yelling out “JUSSS GET HIM!!!” -Discount Double motherfuckin’ Check!!!
FUCK YES! FOOTBALL IS BACK!
As your editor, I am proud to say that this is our 3rd year of producing these rankings. Honestly, we wouldn’t be able to do this if it weren’t for our readers’ insatiable thirst for kids getting shit on.
THANKS FOR READING =)
On with the rankings..
These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:
#5 La Joya Palmview Lobos (0-1) – L 41-7 Roma – Granted, Roma finally got tired of getting their teeth kicked in every week and have built a legit program over the last few years, but by God did Palmview shit the bed this week. Palmview actually had a district record of 2-4 last year and STILL made the playoffs. THANKS UIL! This year, the UIL plans to match Katy up against a team of blind puppies to open the first round. Letting a team like Palmview into the playoffs is like passing a 6-year old who doesn’t know their left hand from their face to the 1st grade. Welcome to the “EVERYBODY’S A WINNER” softening of America. GEEEZ, THANKS OBAMA, GALLL!!
#4 Donna North Chiefs(0-1) – L 36-33 PSJA – We’re in year 4 of this experiment and the Chiefs are picking up right where they left off last year with a loss to a slightly less shitty PSJA team that almost went win-less last year. The Chiefs have now lost 21 of their last 22 games all the while each member of their school board is in a full-on race as to who can embarrass the district even more. Life is not fair.
#3 Progreso Red Ants (0-1) – L 59-6 Lyford – You know that Fall is finally here when the weather cools down, the kids are back in school, and Progreso is getting run the fuck over. It’s like clock-work and it keeps the universe in order. Even being #1 on THIS list would be too much of a win for this program.
#2 Marine Military Academy Leathernecks(0-1) – L 18-7 Santa Maria – Look, you gotta give the man-children of MMA some credit. They field a team made up of a new set of kids every year who don’t wanna be there. I get it..but fuck, Santa Maria only has like, what, 8 players? And btw, how the hell does a team even GET to 18 points? 2 TDS and 2 safeties? 3 TDs and 0 extra points? 6 field goals? A field goal, a TD and a TD with a 2 point conversion just for the fuck of it? If you know how this went down, for the love of God, email us.
#1 Edinburg Bobcats (0-1) – L 30-14 Nikki Rowe – Man, Vela just sucked the talent RIGHT outta this school, huh? It took Guerra all of 1 game to score 9 TDs and I’d put real money that the Bobcats won’t even get there by Week 5.
So far, the scoreboard reads:
Guerra: 9 TDs
Edinburg: 2 TDs
