2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 5

2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 5


While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

We’ve written 3 stories about Brownsville in the last 3 weeks. That’s WAY too much coverage for a city that most people don’t even remember exists half of the time.

These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:

#5 Roma Gladiators (0-5) L 17-14 Rio Grande City: Does anybody remember that Friday Night Lights movie from 2004 where Mike Winchell was talking to Coach Gaines in the car about curses? “When we’re winnin’ it’s thurr, when we’re losin’ it’s thurr.” Roma play this year is making me believe that every word of that is true. I have never seen a winless team with more shit luck than these Gladiators. 16-10 (OT) to Palmview, 15-13 to La Joya, and now 17-14 to Rio and I’m thoroughly convinced: that shit doesn’t just happen by accident. This has got to be that “pissed off grandma is praying to La Santa Muerte” kinda shit, or maybe the work of some narco hiring a witch in revenge of a drug deal gone bad.

#4 Progreso Red Ants (0-3) BYE: Ok Progreso. This is your ONE get out of jail free card. You have ONE SHOT to get out of these rankings (maybe) but something tells me, deep down, that you’re going to fuck this all up. If they lose to Santa Maria, they should seriously consider just wrapping up the season and just get ready for soccer. Would anybody notice? Would anybody care?

#3 PSJA Southwest Javelinas (0-5) L 17-10 Edinburg North: …and as quickly as they rose to the top (sunk to the bottom?) of our charts, the Javelinas had to go and fuck it all up by giving Edinburg North an actual game. There’s no fun in going winless for a whole season if you’re not gonna FULLY COMMIT and lay down to get kicked by 50 ppg. PSJA Southwest is new to these rankings, so I’ll let it slide for now, but you guys need to quit being so frustratingly mediocre. “So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” – Revelation 3:16

#2 Brownsville Porter Cowboys (0-4) L 35-7 Brownsville Lopez: 16(!) straight losses! Getting trounced 35-7 by Lopez wasn’t exactly a surprise given that the Lobos (THE FUCKING LOBOS!) haven’t lost a game this season. The Porter Cowboys are doing EVERYTHING they possibly can to be Brownsville ISDs hapless anchor and earn their right to be named the worst. Watching Porter continue to cling to #2 on our list is literally Chinese water torturing me to death.

#1 Donna North Chiefs (0-5) 54-10 Brownsville Lopez: In a strange coincidence, both of our bottom 2 teams were eviscerated by the same team and because Donna North decided to shit the bed significantly worse than Porter did, the Chiefs have clawed our way back up to our #1 spot. Thanks to the Lopez disaster, the Chiefs are now the sole owner of the worst defense (43 ppg allowed), and the worst point spread (-33 ppg). If Porter continues to lose as expected, it will set up our first (and maybe only) Shit Bowl: Battle of the Shits when Donna North and Brownsville Porter face off for the right to be crowned the worst.

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