The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Brownsville


The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We meant to drive to South Padre Island but missed the TX-100 exit and ended up in a 2nd world country instead. Welcome to Brownsville.


181,060 (2013), 99% of whom are undocumented. I sure as shit didn’t think Brown-town had so many people but I can bet that not even Brownsville residents realized just how much they’ve multiplied. It’s inexplicable that a town with SO many people can be so non-existent to everyone else around them. A large sinkhole could devour that entire city and it’d probably take us all about 2 weeks to realize that they were all gone. Brownsville speaks and nobody listens.


Tony Martinez, seen here sporting his finest mullet.

Tony Martinez, Brownsville Mayor, Mullet enthusiast
Tony Martinez; mullet enthusiast

Jesus… I mean look at that thing. I want to party with that feather mullet.

It really says a lot about your leadership when, after 1 term in office, you have to run up against 500 different people who think they can do a better job than you. Among the weeds of candidates included ex-Brownsville Mayor Pat Ahumada. Only in Brownsville can a guy who was arrested for DWI while in office, and found himself on trial arguing that he was stupid enough to deposit $26,000 into his personal account, have a decent shot at getting re-elected. It was later confirmed that, yes, he was indeed, that stupid.

Martinez was eventually re-elected, but it took a runoff to secure the win. Way to go, Brownsville!

Why Brownsville Sucks

Has Mexico annexed these guys yet? I can’t honestly be sure if they have or not, but then again, who’d REALLY notice? These people make Machete look like Ted Cruz. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if their high school diplomas were all written in Spanish.

I don’t think I’ve personally ever met anyone who has graduated from a Brownsville ISD school and I am legitimately beginning to believe that these people do not exist. I’m convinced that those schools are filled with no one, like those fake/empty buildings that North Korea uses. How else can you explain why Brownsville ISD football is so impossibly terrible? It is beyond human, let alone, ANY existence for anyone to understand the level of suck that is paraded around Sams Stadium.

Brownsville, you don’t need your own God damn newspaper, ok? The Brownsville Herald’s headlining story on their website today was, literally, about Los Fresnos adding a street with the title “Los Fresnos adds a street.” Raul Garza, you’re doing the lord’s work. This poor bastard was probably in their newsroom meeting one morning with each journalist running down whatever shit story they were covering, when someone asked him “What are you covering today, Garza?” and his response was “Welp…Los Fresnos got a new street, so….I guess I’ll just write about that.” Way to chase down that Pulitzer, Brownsville Herald.

Of all the things that is terrible about having children, taking them to Gladys Porter Zoo has got to be right up there. I’d rather be hit by a bus than spend another hot summer afternoon soaking in my own ball sweat while paying $300 for a bottled water. I’m pretty sure their tiger is just a blown up Frosted Flakes cut-out.

You people need to stop fucking talk to me about how AWESOME “The Bar” is. No amount of strobe lights or faux Djs who couldn’t get ACTUAL paying gigs elsewhere will EVER convince me to drive to the ass-pit of nowhere for a drink. Fuck off.

Back in 2014, when Elon Musk graced Brownsville as the site for the SpaceX launch site, everyone was asking why in the hell he picked Boca Chica Beach. Given how NASA raped Cape Canaveral’s soil and wildlife with their leftover chemicals, I’m gonna take a stab and say they probably looked around for the dirtiest, shittiest beach they could find, so as to make sure no one would notice when they add their carcinogenic rocket fuel into the sand. Good luck with that, Brownsville.

Why Brownsville Doesn’t Suck

At long last, UTB’s deeply troubled, Xanax abusing Ocelot was received into the arms of sweet, sweet death and finally put out of it’s misery.

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