haters guide to the valley hidalgo

The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Hidalgo


The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We got pulled over for going 29 on a 30. Welcome to Hidalgo.


13,831 (2016), all of whom share the title as the worst family members in their own extended families. These are the people you avoid inviting to Thanksgiving and just hope they get the hint that they’re NEVER invited. I’ve never met a group of people so obnoxious in my life. None of these people actually chose to live in Hidalgo, they were just kicked out of every decent city in the Valley for being dicks. If Mexico offered Texas to annex Hidalgo, I’m more than sure that Texas would gladly give these people up for $2 and a Hot ‘N’ Ready pizza.

We do tend to lean left here at The Bench Wire but if Trump needs some ideas on where to place his border wall, we are officially submitting this as a proposal:

Hidalgo Texas Border Wall

Make it happen, Trump.


Officially: Martin Cepeda

Martin Cepeda Hidalgo Mayor

Since selling his soul to the Devil and getting himself elected on the back of a rift between the most powerful family in the city, as well as ironically being Hidalgo County’s Head of Fraud Investigations, Cepeda has made quick work to ensure that NONE of his professional experience in ACTUALLY investigating fraud will be translated over into his elected position.

Under his watch, Conflicts of interest continue to run amuck, Feuds between himself and his own party have bubbled up time and again, he’s been caught getting tickets removed for his own son, Councilmen have sued each other over political moves, Councilmen of his OWN party meet in secret deals behind his back, he’s obtained restraining orders to block the votes other councilmen, and one of his own party members cheated at his own election and, somehow, only won by 6 votes.

Cepeda makes Trump look competent.

Unofficially: Rudy Franz, pictured here looking like the lowest paid extra on The Sopranos.

Did you know that Rudy Franz AND his wife Yolanda Franz both own the only two towing companies in Hidalgo and have an exclusive contract with the Hidalgo PD? Did you know that Rudy Franz filed for a restraining order when councilmen attempted to pass an ordinance that would allow other towing companies enter into the Hidalgo PD rotation and rival his own?

Did you know that Rudy Franz also owns the only bus service as well as half of the city’s taxi permits? Did you know that Rudy Franz sued his other councilman who wanted to bring in another competing bus company to rival his own?

Did you know that Rudy Franz’ company Hidalgo Festivals had an exclusive concessions contract with State Farm arena until his deadbeat company couldn’t pay their 35% of gross receipts, totaling up to $1.2 million in debt?

Did you know that the sun is hot?


Rudy, wipe that spaghetti sauce off your face and give us a smile!


Definitely Not A Real Mayor: Mayor Pro-Tem Noe Reyes, known asshole.

noe reyes

Being the fake mayor of Hidalgo is NOT nothing! It means you get to bring in drug traffickers as vendors to your city’s events!

Although Progreso deals in some shady small-town shit, they don’t hold a candle to this cesspool.

Why Hidalgo Sucks

First of all, nobody gives a shit about Borderfest but Hidalgo. The city actually went to court claiming rights to the event and, by some hand of God, actually won an injunction to keep Borderfest there even though the Borderfest name is trademarked privately by Joe Vera and that the Borderfest Association, who organizes the event, voted to move the event to McAllen. Judge Aida Salinas stepped down from her post nearly a year after her bizarre decision, so I’m gonna chalk that decision up as win for Alzheimer’s. A trial to finally settle the matter is set for November 6th. Hidalgo is that psycho boyfriend that would rather murder Borderfest before he saw her go with ANYBODY else. Borderfest doesn’t want to be with you, anymore Hidalgo so PLEASE put the gun down. In classic Hidalgo fashion, Borderfest actually lost $33K for the city this year.

I never thought I’d actually say this but I’m SO happy that Alonzo Cantu decided to finally kill off State Farm Arena once and for all with his Bert Ogden Fuck-A-Thon Truck Month Stadium in, of all the dilapidated cities that were available, Edinburg. It’s been 14 years since State Farm Arena was built and there’s STILL nothing around that shit hole. The City of Hidalgo couldn’t manage a lemonade stand and they seriously thought they could pull this off. RGV Killer Bees? Gone. RGV Vipers? Gone. This stadium is the perfect metaphor for this city; built on the back of great expectations only to fail at every single one of them magnificantly.

Your police chief, apparently, has no idea how to handle a gun without injuring one of his appendages.

Hidalgo ISD’s school district map is either gerrymandering at it’s worst or Hidalgo simply accepting the students that not even PSJA wanted. Honestly, though, does it matter if any of these kids get an education if they’re all going to die of mesothelioma anyway?

Why Hidalgo Doesn’t Suck

Ramon Ayala is from there and, by God, I bet he hates every minute of being reminded of that.

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