McAllen City Commission Eats The Dick

McAllen City Commission Finally Eats The Dick; Passes Smoking Ban


On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission passed an ordinance effectively banning smoking from all public places and most private establishmentsNo, let me try that lede again.

On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission communed together for a grand feast, culminating from months of preparation thanks to some wet blanket and this pretentious email. On the menu for the evening? THE Dick, and the city commission just swallowed it whole.

The new ordinance bans smoking at all public places as well as establishments such as bars and restaurants regardless of a separate smoking room, which was allowed in McAllen current ordinance, sans bingo halls (because old people are on the way out anyway, amirite?), and businesses who derive 40% or more of their sales from tobacco.

City Commissioners Omar Quintanilla, Aida Ramirez, (possible inner-city, illiterate, abused black woman) Richard Cortez, and Vernica Whitacre all ate the dick and voted for the ordinance. Joaquin “J.J.” Zamora might as well have eaten the dick as he voted against the measure but only because he didn’t think it was STRONG enough; in other words, JJ Zamora wants to make sure your grandma dies unhappy without her sweet drag at bingo night.

The only commissioner unswayed to join in on the dick dinner was City Commissioner John Ingram, who represents 17th St. within his District 5 purview. Ingram argued that the city was encroaching on the freedoms that conscious adults can make on their own.

Even McAllen Mayor and Enrique Iglesias enthusiast Jim Darling chimed in with his own little anecdote that will make you legitimately sad by how boring his personal life sounds:

“I don’t wanna get too personal but..”

Please Jim…don’t.

Darling is probably that guy at the party that interjects his opinion at least five times a night, unsolicited. Before he oozes out his two-cents on anything, he’s probably thinking to himself that HE alone is the voice of reason.

Nobody thinks that, Jim, so before you consider interrupting the flow of another good conversation, don’t.

“I was out this weekend with friends of ours and one of the persons smoked…”

Good catch on the labeling, Jim! Darling doesn’t look at the world the way you and I do. To him, humans are either voters, donors, or persons; never friends, but I’m thinking there’s something deeper going on here.

I’m calling it: Darling is (stay with me!) a robot; an advanced artificially intelligent droid designed as a prototype to replace our elected officials. He may seem sweet and warm on the outside, but inside is a cold, mechanical CPU punching out the algorithms of “nice” and “happy” and “love.” In his stream of consciousness, “one of the persons smoked.”

“…and we went to several establishments that would be considered to be bars — at reasonable hours of course.”

OF COURSE! What would the country club SAY if they knew Darling was out at UNreasonable hours? I’m pretty sure it’s in his contract (or lines of code?) that he must be home no later than 8:30 PM so as not to sully himself with “the rest of them.”

“And they were OK. He went out and smoked — he was used to it, he’s a smoker.”

That sentence literally sounds like how someone describes their dog when they piss outside. “And they were ok. He went out and pissed – he was used to it. he’s a dog.”

What a clown.

“It wasn’t McAllen, it was some other city that had a (different) smoking ordinance.”

He WOULD be from McAllen to not even have the gall to name the city he was in OTHER than McAllen. That’s quintessential McAllen right there: “Fuck everybody else and look at me!”

It was probably Edinburg because Darling looks like the kinda guy who would have look to have a great time in a city that produces 0 great times.

“But it was fine. It worked. There were several other people I noticed going outside and having a cigarette. It worked, and it was a lot better than sitting inside a smoky bar.”

Jesus, what a fucking loser.

It’s simple. If Darling and the rest of the limp-dicked pansies who want to go out for a drink at a place that doesn’t allow smoking, then they can grab a seat with the five-year-olds at Peter Piper Pizza, they can eat lunch at a hospital cafeteria, and they can see themselves to sit at the God-damn kids table at Thanksgiving where they belong and leave the adults alone.

The new ordinance is set to begin January 1, 2018.

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