the bench wires haters guide to the valley mission

The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Mission


The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We took a trip to Mile 5 for some tacos and all we got was a mouthful of disappointment. Welcome To Mission.


84,827 (2018), all of whom work at T-Mobile or at a call center because they aren’t qualified to work, literally, anywhere else. If you ever call any company’s call center and the rep gives you a long “uhhhhhhhhhhh” after you ask a simple question, they are absolutely from Mission.

There are human beings who would rather spend their lives living in black holes like Alton and Palmview than to be associated with these people.

To their credit, these people have the incredibly unique disposition to have both the IQ and personality of a wet napkin. I can confidently say that I’ve never had a conversation with someone from Mission and thought “Wow, how insightful,” but instead thought “How is this person going to get home?”


Dr. Armando O’Caña, shown here looking exactly like the kind of guy who would spend upwards of $55,000 in legal fees just to be named king of the diaper hill.

Before we rip into his current administration, let’s recap just how he got there in the first place:

  • Two summers ago, O’Caña, unbelievably “won” the mayoral runoff with 51.15% of the vote by 157 votes, after trailing 10 whole-God-damn percentage points just a month earlier.
  • The guy he beat, long time Mayor Norberto “Beto” Salinas, then filed a lawsuit that proved that O’Caña paid some voters as little as $10 bucks and others with some wood for their votes, destroyed evidence, and paid his niece $25K to help put all this shady shit together.
  • Salinas won in court but O’Caña immediately appealed and won on the dumbest fucking technicality because Salinas was only able to prove 33 fraudulent votes, and not the 158 needed to change the election. Congratulations Judge Nora, this Bud’s definitely for you.

While O’Caña isn’t busy selling votes for wood, he’s hard at work pushing the City of Mission and their projects into financial ruin all while raising his constituents’ taxes for the first time in 20 years.

Unsurprisingly, the only positive result O’Caña has had during his tenure is a COVID test (ZING!!) which makes sense because he’s not a real doctor like Dr. Scrubby McScrubbs just down the road. I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure correctly spelling “ninth” in your own doctorate dissertation title is required for you to get into med school.

Even though he legally can’t answer when someone screams “is there a doctor in the building?!”, I’m pretty sure he forces his physicians to call him “Doctor.”

Physician: “Mister O’Caña–”
O’Caña: “’s actually doctor. Doctor O’Caña, thanks.”
Physician: *eye roll* “Ok..Doctor O’Caña, you tested positive for COVID. You really need to stop putting your whole mouth on water fountains.”

I’m sorry, but, there’s absolutely no way in hell that O’Caña is a legit last name. If it’s real, then I’d imagine that it’s straight from the beautiful green hills of Tamaulipas, Ireland where the great clans of O’Gonzalez and the O’Carranza hail from. I’ll admit that “Ocaña” (sans apostrophe), which is a small town in Spain, would make a lot more sense as a last name.

Why Mission Sucks

Mission is the city that zoning and city planning forgot. I swear, this city is 99.99% downtown and every business is just payday loans.

I mean, just LOOK at this shit:

In Mission, 107 isn’t a road. It’s a credit score.

How pleasantly ironic that Mission actually has a road called “Inspiration,” as they’re quite literally the most uninspiring city in the Valley. Nobody around here is looking at Mission and saying “Why can’t our city by more like them?”

Live PD could not have picked a more perfect place to film the decay of American society than Mission and now, thankfully, that has mercifully ended.

Believe me when I tell you that Tom Landry did not give one shit that he was from Mission. That love affair DEFINITELY went just ONE way.

Sharyland isn’t even a real city but the people that live there went as far as to make their own school district to dupe everyone else into thinking that they aren’t associated with Mission. To be honest, I can’t blame them and you have to respect that kind of dedication, but that just means that these vile, vapid, terrible people will soon get their own hater’s guide.

Why Mission Doesn’t Suck

Speedy was a hero and Hall of Fame Wrestler Tito Santana was from Mission, but even he didn’t want anybody to know.

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