While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
There are only 10 winless teams left the Valley, so now we’re beginning to shape out the wheat from the shit a little better. Edinburg got their win which means they’ve been bounced off of our list, but really, any chance is a good chance to shit on that city regardless of failure or success.
These are the RGV’s worst 5 (6) teams of the week:
#5 Brownsville Pace (0-2) Bye – After a few weeks of writing these lists, I was beside myself that not a single Brownsville school had a place here yet. They managed to fly so low under the radar that their awfulness has created a static that keeps anyone, including myself from realizing just how bad these football programs are. That changes today. I’m deliberately adding an additional spot this week JUST to add a Brownsville ISD school because Brownsville is at it’s best when it’s football programs are at their worst. To people living outside of Brownsville, Pace is their one school that most us always seem to forget exists. Pace is a trivia question answer that nobody gets right. They get a chance to swap with another winless Brownsville squad if they can get passed our new #1, La Joya Palmview in this Friday’s Shit Bowl 2: The Revenge.
#4 Progreso Red Ants (0-2) L 18-0 Santa Rosa – Getting blanked by Santa Rosa and having scored only 1 TD in two games tells you just about all you need to know about this team. In all honesty, I hadn’t really dived into Progreso’s shit show against Lyford in Week 1 because box scores for small schools are fairly hard to come by. Having said that, I actually managed to finally get my hand on the stat sheet for that game and I am simply distraught at the pretty atrocious numbers I saw on the Red Ants line. WARNING: THESE STATS MAY INDUCE VOMITING, NA– — USEA, SUICIDAL AND GENERALLY NEGATIVE EXISTENTIAL THOUGHTS. Ready? Progreso’s QB attempted only 4 passes THE WHOLE GAME and ran (and sacked) 26 times for a combined total yardage of -19 and a TD. Combine that with his 10 yard completion and you have a player that accounted for -9 yards of offense, but was the most effective scorer of the night. What..The..Fuck? What does this all mean? It means that I am now boundless to question the fabric of our existence as humans and Progreso, in all their awfulness, has ripped a giant hole in the space-time continuum of reality and broke the game of football forever.
Tie-#3 Marine Military Academy Leathernecks (0-3) L 54-0 London Is it ok for me to imagine that every student at London speaks with a British accent and that they’re much more interested in playing ‘uhh li’oh bi’oh fu’yy’ than playing “American Football?” For once, I just wanna hear a massive defensive end or linebacker sack a QB and just yell out “Take that ya wankahh!” London, Texas is made up of about 20 people (give or take) and every single damn one of them scored on the Leathernecks that day.
Tie-#3 PSJA Memorial Wolverines (0-3) L 44-0 Brownsville Lopez Am I the only one that’s tired of these really shitty teams making Lopez look like a solid, well put-together program out on the field? By Brownsville city decree, Lopez must end EVERY season under .500 and PSJA Memorial (and Edinburg before them) did the city NO FAVORS by letting themselves get steamrolled. Like Progreso and MMA, the Wolverines have managed to score only 1 TD in the first 3 weeks and are in a dead heat in a race to the bottom for worst offense in the Valley at 2.33 PPG.
#2 Raymondville Bearcats (0-3) L 49-7 Lyford – The Bearcats are coming off their yearly Cotton Bowl spanking to rival Lyford with the worst defense (48 ppg) AND the worst point differential (-36.33 ppg) in the Valley so far. Next week, they look forward to getting ripped up by St. Joseph. I fully expect the Bloodhounds to hang 90+ on the Bearcats and force them to forfeit their season.
#1 La Joya Palmview Lobos (0-3) L 19-13 Edinburg – The Palmview Lobos, newly crowned kings of this shit pit, have the exceptional honor of not only losing potentially one Shit Bowl, but TWO(!) After losing a pillow fight to Edinburg Vela’s JV squad last week, the Lobos have one last shot at getting themselves out of the bottom by stepping into Harambe’s old crib and stealing a win against a team who’s just as lost as they are.
Dropped Out: Edinburg Bobcats (1-2) W 19-13 Palmview
Edinburg Bobcats v Robert Guerra Scoreboard
Guerra: 11 TDs (DNP last week)
Edinburg: 7 TDs
*Editors note: Perennial worst RGV football team Pharr Oratory lost their season opener to Agua Dulce, 60-0 last Friday. I have decided not to include them in this year’s rankings due to the Ocelots only playing 3 games this season. I consider myself a half-decent writer but I can only stretch bye-week content SO FAR in between games.
