2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 1

2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 1


While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

If our Hater’s Guides are what put us on the map, then our Worst RGV High School Football teams series breathed us into existence.

Did we end last year’s series two weeks too short? Yes. Did we end 2015 one week too short? Yes. There are only so many phrases in the English language that can be used to describe the futility of the teams that habitually end up on our bottom five. That being said, we’re making a commitment to ourselves that we’re gonna FINISH STRONG and actually complete an entire season.

Here’s to another year!

These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:

#5 Progreso Red Ants (0-1) L 48-14 Lyford: Progreso, along with Donna North, have appeared on our list more than any other team. Getting donkey-punched by 34 in your season opener is a sure fire way to keep that tradition going.

#4 Donna North Chiefs (0-1) L 54-13 PSJA High: Here’s a fun fact. Donna North has never won their season opener in all of their 5 years playing varsity ball. Between that and another team beating their 18-game losing streak, I don’t know which is more disappointing.

#3 Brownsville Porter Cowboys (0-1) L 35-14 Brownsville Rivera: With their opening loss to Rivera, Porter has now lost 13 straight dating back to 2015. Here’s to another campaign at being the worst team in the worst football ISD that God has ever cursed.

#2 Sharyland Rattlers (0-1) L 62-0 Weslaco East: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck yes. FUCK to-the YES! I’ll admit, when I saw the 6A standings and saw Sharyland’s stats, I thought “Well, maybe they played Converse Judson, The Woodlands, or some high profile team from SA.” Nope. Sharyland got licked by Weslaco East and God is SO good. Hallelujah! There isn’t a fan base more pretentious and undeserving than these fresas. Now, I just regret that East didn’t score 100 on them. The Rattlers, and the Rattlers alone, currently have the worst defense, the worst point differential, and tied for the worst offense in the Valley. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

#1 PSJA Memorial Wolverines (0-6) L 34-7 La Joya Juarez Lincoln: Not to be out-done by Porter’s attempt to nosedive their season before it even starts, the Wolverines are now on a 19-game losing that, now, stretches over two years since their last win on 9/4/2015 against PSJA High. Their next legitimate chance to win a game will be against Edinburg on 10/12, but God help me, I actually WANT the Bobcats to win so that PSJA Memorial’s futility can last in perpetuity. We haven’t seen a losing streak go on for this long since Donna North hit 18 straight losses to that started during their 2nd year playing varsity ball.

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