While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
Only 1 more month left for High School football =( (i mean, c’mon guys, no one in the Valley will be playing passed mid-November)
These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:
#5 Progreso Red Ants (1-5) – Last week, the Red Ants took their bi-annual trip to the hell-scape where the stench of fish will never die for their proverbial beat-down. The Red Ants are 0-198320 against Port Isabel, and rightfully so. They’re one of the more successful programs in the Valley. What makes matters worse for Progreso is that these schools share a lot more in common than many people think. They both have roughly the same size city (~5000), are a pit stop to a much more popular destination (the beach, Nuevo Progreso), and tax the FUCK out of a rich neighboring community (SPI, Progreso Lakes). So why does Progreso always come up so short, in literally, everything? I mean, for Christ’s sake, they are, by state law, the worst run school district in Texas. Why? Because God hates the Red Ants. The city couldn’t run a fucking little league without the FBI investigating them.
#4 Donna North Chiefs (0-6) – Keep it rollin, Chiefs!! Last week’s lost to Edcouch was understandable being that EE’s school is just a front for being a football academy. The Edcouch-Elsa area is a place where nobody really exists. It’s just a black mass of nothingness north of Weslaco; that’s why they call their stadium the “black hole.” The Chiefs play a 2-5 PSJA Southwest team tonight. Last chance to get themselves out of the bottom 5.
#3 PSJA Bears (0-6) – Holy. Shit. It took, literally, less than 3 years for PSJA high to get to the bottom of the PSJA food chain. I’ve met 5 people from San Juan and they are raza to the raza^infinity. We, as a species, have reached maximum raza, and it is San Juan, Texas. Walking into PSJA High is like watching a live action version of Stand and Deliver minus the happy ending plus a million more guys that look like this:
Good stuff.
#2 Edinburg Bobcats (0-6) – The Bobcats are REALLY bringing the suck this year. After another trouncing thanks to their, somehow better, Edinburg North rivals, the Bobcats have failed to score a total of 50 points this season. I would bet good money that they don’t even make it to 100 total points. I would bet we pull out of Afghanistan faster than these guys can total up 100. The team that offense forgot. I will admit that even though their team is so far down in the dumps, these jabroneys for fans keep this God-awful mess of a football team on life support.
Shout out to Bobcats AND The Bench Wire superfan Edgar:
You’re a good sport, Edgar.
#1 Pharr Oratory Ocelots (0-5) – I can’t say much more about these Ocelots other than they are God’s gift to these rankings. They’ve managed to score even less than Edinburg, which is mathematically nearly impossible. If Edinburg High is the team that offense forgot, Pharr Oratory is the team that God forgot. The school website discusses that one of the school’s missions is to “protect God’s children,” but, my God, are they doing a good job sacrificing their students on the football field. They can play a team that doesn’t exist and still lose. The Pope would need to come back to America, transfer ALL of his Pope powers (which I assume would look like this) just for them to be blessed enough to snap a ball right. The Ocelots; the Valley’s pinnacle of horrible football.
Dropped Out: Brownsville Pace Vikings
