Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 6


While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

Yeah, we had a Bye week last week..whatever.

These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week:

#5 Progreso Red Ants (1-4) – Bye Week; Back to soul crushing reality for the little team that couldn’t after getting unrecognizably mauled by La Feria. This week they travel to the island to get another 80 billion points dumped on them. But, honestly, the Red Ants don’t care to win another game. Progreso has had it’s fix of winning for the year and that’s enough. Being the head coach for Progreso has got to be the best job in the world. Win 1 game? Here’s a contract extension. Win 2 games? Here’s 10 more specialized coaches. Progreso: The Cleveland Browns of the Valley.

#4 Brownsville Pace Vikings (0-5) – Always gotta be the one Brownsville school carrying the suck flag for the city. This year, it’s cemented right on Brownsville Pace’s campus. After another beat-down, this time to Donna High’s now shitty team (see below), the Vikings travel to San Juan (aka The Raza Motherland) to pillow fight fellow bottom 5 contender PSJA High (0-5). Loser gets a seat at our table!

#3 Donna North Chiefs (0-5) – The streak continues! Mercedes pulled a cruel joke on the Chiefs last week by allowing them to stick around the game for as long as they did. PSYCH! Here’s 30 billion more points to drown in. Knowing Donna, this school was probably some half-assed experiment to try and segregate the shitty players out of Donna High. Problem is, again, this idea was comprised of people from Donna, so it’s not a huge surprise that it was a massive failure cause, now you got one school that’s really shitty and one that’s not as shitty, but still shit. The lesson here? A shit plan begets a shit result.

#2 Edinburg Bobcats (0-5) – The Bobcats unsurprisingly got themselves baptized by the Panthers 51-6 last weekend. Who knew that Vela would suck out so much from you poor bastards? See Edinburg; that’s what you get for trying to balance 4 schools. Edinburg is the city that wants to be McAllen and NOBODY wants to be McAllen. Edinburg is filled with terrible people who decide to live there and even worse people who work for the County. The Bobcats are the team that the city of Edinburg deserves.

#1 Pharr Oratory Ocelots (0-5) – Ocelot suck is still going strong again this week with another blowout loss to Agua Dulce (44-0), who I’m sure are just a bunch of well coordinated possums in football gear. That puts their outscore clock at 275-8 in just five games. At this point you figure that maybe we’re all just part of Pharr Ocelots Purgatory, that we’re all detailed expressions in a giant Purgatory matrix designed solely for the Pharr Oratory footbal team. They remain a perpetually terrible team until one day, they understand the errors of their game and actually win. The day they win the game, it would collapse this temporary reality and cease our existence as we know it. See? Aren’t you glad they’re so shitty?


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