On my morning commute, I spotted a homeless man starting a fire underneath the underpass to warm himself from our recent cold front. His combustible material of choice? Wednesday’s edition of Advance News Journal of course! See, it actually burns much longer than most papers because it’s actually covered with shit. As I happened to spot the latest edition’s headlines, I nearly fell into an existential crisis; transported into a reality where a front cover of a (news)paper could ask so many questions and answer literally none of them.
The front page below:
There are not 1…
not 2…
not 3…
But 4 questions on the front page of the Advance News Journal!
Let’s count that again:
We at The Bench Wire, as we ourselves have stated, are in no position to claim to have any modicum of journalistic integrity. That’s not what we do; we write what we want and that’s about fucking it. Every good journalist, however, writes a piece with questions in mind that their reader might have; that’s normal. Speculation, however, is rumor’s better-dressed cousin and is a symptom of half-assed journalism that provides zero (0) value to the story or, most importantly, the truth.
Personally, I don’t have qualms about WHAT they’re asking at all. They are legitimate questions.
Would it be a big story if the DA and the Catholic Church protected John Feit from being prosecuted for murder? Of course, so do the God damn research.
Were local news reporters told the truth and did they then bury the story? Well, shit, why the fuck are you asking us?
Is Gus Garcia’s two-year severance package worth over $320k? I don’t fucking know. Is it?
All this tells us is that Advance News Journal either can’t find enough evidence to answer their own speculations or they’re too chicken shit to do so.
These types of headlines push papers but they also do wonders to perpetuate Advance’s rep for peddling garbage.
Keep pushing for that Pulitzer, Greggggggg!
