In today’s episode of “we’re living in the worst timeline,” President Donald Trump took to Twitter this morning, I’d imagine before taking in a sermon on Corinthians part 2, to call for presidential nominee Joe Biden to commit to taking a drug test before or after the first presidential debate to be held on Tuesday because 2020.
From Trump’s Twitter account:
I will be strongly demanding a Drug Test of Sleepy Joe Biden prior to, or after, the Debate on Tuesday night. Naturally, I will agree to take one also. His Debate performances have been record setting UNEVEN, to put it mildly. Only drugs could have caused this discrepancy???
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 27, 2020
So, to get things straight, Trump has now effectively accused Biden of taking PEDs to help account for Biden’s previous “shaky to stronger(?)” debate performances during the Democratic primaries.
To be fair, Biden was absolutely eviscerated during the first Democratic debate last year, with none of the knives cutting as deep as the one thrusted in by his, now, running mate, Kamala Harris. However, as the field began to narrow, Biden eventually remembered to use -you know- words, turned in steadier performances during the debates and overcame a two-state primary deficit to eventually clinch the Democratic nomination.
Interestingly though, it’s actually been Trump, not Biden, who’s been previously speculated to have used PED’s. In 2016, rumors resurfaced about, then, candidate Trump’s affinity for stimulants. And who can forget Trump’s case of the “coke sniffles” during 2016’s first presidential debate.
But let’s play Trump’s game. Let’s pretend that both candidates pissed in a cup on live TV and got themselves tested: what drugs would they most likely test positive for?
Heroin – Although both candidates look like the freshest of corpses, I’d say not likely.
Weed – Not exactly a PED, unless you’re the type that gets real chatty after taking a hit. Again, not likely.
HGH + Steroids – Wouldn’t it be great if we got rid of the 2nd debate in favor of a physical challenge like some American Ninja Warrior-style shit, or a “lift-off” to see who benches more?
Lipitor – Trump, for sure. Despite his doctor’s word that he’s healthy, he still loves his KFC and is probably not in the best shape. I’d bet that his heart is definitely getting to Chaney-level black pretty quick. However, cholesterol eventually gets us all, so I’d bet that Biden would definitely test positive also.
Galantamine – Biden is clearly showing his signs of aging, but so is Trump. I’d bet, though, that Biden would medicate himself while Trump would just yell at his doctor for prescribing it.
Cialis + Viagra – Yep.
Coke/Pase – Abso-fucking-lately. Thank about it: both of these dudes are old as fuck. I’m an early-middle aged man who barely leaves the house to see friends for drinks and the occasional BBQ. These guys are going to event after event after event. I’d need an 8-ball just to get through breakfast if I had to run for president.
Tuesday’s presidential debate, moderated by Fox News’ Chris Wallace, will air on most news networks starting at 8:00 PM CST.