IT’S HERE! When one off-season passes you think, “There’s no way next year can be just as bad.” The NFL, it’s players, it’s owners, are all gifts that continue to give all through the Spring and Summer as we wait for another season to kick off. From bloodied children to mass exoduses, the NFL off-season reminds us that some of these fast giants are weird fucking people. But none of it matters now.
it’s fucking go time.
Regular Season
AFC South
1 Indianapolis Colts (14-2) – Andre The Giant’s son will cement himself as one of the elite QBs in the NFL.
6 Houston Texans (12-4) – Watt + Wilfork + Clowney. At least 1 QB will actually die on the field next season. My money’s on Mariotta.
Tennessee Titans (3-13) – HEY! Mariotta’s here now! I’m sure he’ll work out JUUSST fine transitioning from the spread to a pro-style offense and definitely won’t be a bust!
Jacksonville Jaguars (3-13) – Are they in London yet?
AFC West
3 Denver Broncos (13-3) – Manning will finish the year with another post-season loss in Foxborough, stand in the middle of the field and be elevated to heaven. (“Look, he is coming with the clouds,” and “every eye will see him, even those who pierced him”; and all peoples on earth “will mourn because of him.” So shall it be! Amen. – Revelation 1:7)
5 Kansas City (12-4) – Jamaaaaaaaaaaal Charles is the best running back in the league, period. When Andy Reid wins, we all win.
San Diego (8-8) – Finally got rid of slow-drip Norv and Rivers STILL probably wants out just as much as the organization wants out of San Diego
Oakland (3-13) – The Raiders are playing these last few years in Oakland like a guy on his last day of his two weeks notice.
AFC North
4 Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5) – Remember when Roethlisberger raped a girl in a Georgia bathroom? NOPE! Le’Veon Bell will get caught smoking weed again and get himself suspended so Big Ben will have to throw for a million yards and Antonio Brown will catch a million yards.
Baltimore Ravens (8-8) – The inevitable decline has already begun.
Cincinnati Bengals (6-10) – Marvin Lewis will coach the Bengals long after you’re dead.
Cleveland Browns (3-13) – lol
AFC East
2 New England Patriots (13-3) – No matter what happens with the suspension, the Patriots are gonna maul the world like they did after spygate and just destroy our universe (PEW! PEW! PEW!! BWWAACCHHHHHHH!!) but not before Tom Brady eats you alive in your sleep.
Buffalo Bills (7-9) – Living in Hoth, USA, doesn’t make it easy to attract free agents so this off-season was nothing short of a miracle nabbing Shady McCoy and Rex Ryan.
Miami Dolphins (5-11) – Given their schedule, Miami is one of those teams that can either have a really good or really bad record. I give them no benefit of the doubt.
New York Jets (5-11) – One broken jaw later, there actually might be some hope for the Jets.
NFC South
4 Carolina Panthers (8-8) – They will be good enough to win the NFC South…which isn’t saying much.
New Orleans Saints (5-11) – A zillion points from Drew Brees won’t matter with that defense.
Atlanta Falcons (5-11) – Somehow, they have a more WORSE defense than the Saints.
Tampa Bay (4-12) – It says a lot about an organization who would make this man as the face of their franchise.
NFC West
2 Seattle Seahawks (13-3) – Seattle returns the best defense in the lea-YOUSHOULDHAVERANTHEBALL!!!!!!!!
6 Arizona Cardinals (11-5) – Arizona’s QB Depth Chart: Palmer, Stanton, Thomas, Harnish, Plummer, a Reuben sandwich, a Cornish hen, Greg Oden, John McCain, Every member of Destiny’s Child, Mozart’s ghost, Donald Trump, Vince Young, a slice of muenster, a broom, JaMarcus Russell.
San Francisco 49ers (6-10) – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
St. Louis Rams (6-10) – #ramsfansmatter
NFC North
1 Green Bay Packers (14-2) – When Rodgers takes time off from doing weird shit with his girl, he’ll be busy destroying the NFL, even without Jordy.
Detroit Lions (11-5) – The Lions are finally good, you guys. Too bad it’s at a point where basically the NFC is like the West of the NBA.
Chicago Bears (7-9) – Jay Cutler is still…here…
Minnesota Vikings (3-13) – “Spare the rod, spoil the child..then beat him bloody with dat rod.” – Adrian Peterson (probably)
NFC East
3 Dallas Cowboys (12-4) – Dez fucking caught it, first off. With Dez locked up and a solid o-line, this is Dallas’ best shot for a title.
5 Philadelphia Eagles (12-4) – Head Coach and possible racist Chip Kelly found Jesus this off-season.
New York Giants (10-6) – It’s 4 years, so I guess it’s time for the Giants to win another fluke Super Bowl I guess. Oh yeah and JPP blew up his hand or something.
Washington Redskins (3-13) – At the time of this writing, RGIII just got himself benched in favor of Cousins. From the looks of it, Jay Gruden straight up wants to murder RGIII.
Playoffs
Wildcard Round
AFC: #3 Denver Broncos over #6 Houston Texans; #5 Kansas City Chiefs over #4 Pittsburgh Steelers
NFC: #3 Dallas Cowboys over #6 Arizona Cardinals; #5 Philadelphia Eagles over #4 Carolina Panthers
Divisional Round
AFC: #1 Indianapolis Colts over #5 Kansas City Chiefs; #2 New England Patriots over #3 Denver Broncos
NFC: #1 Green Bay Packers over #5 Philadelphia Eagles; #2 Seattle Seahawks over #3 Dallas Cowboys
Championship Round
AFC: #1 Indianapolis Colts over #2 New England Patriots
NFC: #1 Green Bay Packers over #2 Seattle Seahawks
Super Bowl L
Green Bay Packers over Indianapolis Colts
