A few days ago, THE fajita bandit Gilberto Escamilla was sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing approximately $1.2 million in fajitas over the course of nine years from the Cameron County Juvenile Detention Center while he was an employee and we have some real legit questions that we need some answers to.
The court records show that the Escamilla was caught, hilariously, because he was out at a doctor’s appointment the day when a shipment of 800 lbs of fajita was delivered to the detention center when another kitchen staffer told the driver that they don’t serve fajitas. The driver subsequently told the staffer that he had been delivering fajitas to the detention center for nine years.
OK..
- So this dude spent NINE YEARS receiving shipments of 800 lbs worth of fajitas and NOBODY noticed? Not ONE TIME did anybody actually see a driver and/or Escamilla load up what looked like A LOT of meat into a fridge only to see it disappear, literally, days later? It’s a detention center; there are cameras everywhere.
- What was that doctors visit for, anyway? Was it for gout? I’m pretty sure it was for gout (more below).
- How crazy was it for that driver to suddenly see a new face at that facility for the first time in nine years?
- I wonder if it was, indeed, the same driver for every single delivery for nine years? Did the driver and Escamilla form a bond? Did they exchange Christmas cards? Nine years is a long-ass time to know ANYONE in ANY industry. I’d like to believe they’re still friends, but maybe not on speaking terms since Escamilla straight up kept any mention of this “fajita ring” from this guy for that long. FRIENDSHIPS ARE BASED ON TRUST, GILBERT!
If you do the math, $1.2 million over nine years is approximately $133,333 a year he stole in fajita goods that he would sell on a “fajita black market,” moving it even the same day of the delivery.
So..
- Did this guy just have a TON of cash, like, ALL of the time? There’s no way he’s putting that in the bank; no way they’d turn a blind eye to anyone making cash deposits in excess of $100k a year.
- Who were these clients that bought the fajita off of him? Private citizens? Restaurants? How the hell did he market his services? Craigslist? Backpage? And who the hell says ‘yes’ without knowing where they’re from?
- If he’s selling to private citizens, how the hell did he MOVE (read: sell) 800 lbs of fajita that quick? I couldn’t move 800 lbs of coke even if it was FREE.
- How the hell did he MOVE (read: actually physically move) 800 lbs of fajita with NOBODY noticing? Where would he keep it in between sales? His own fridge? IT’S FUCKING 800 LBS! Who’s MOVING that?
- Ok, assuming he didn’t move ALL of the fajitas, would he just eat them himself? Did his family know? I’d like to imagine a family distraught, having to go through fajita hell for nine straight years; kids legitimately believing their father was some psycho feeding them fajitas on the daily. Fajita breakfast. Fajita lunch. Fajita dinner. Every. Damn. Day. “Why won’t dad stop buying fajitas? WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM!?!” That’s how you get the gout, man.
- Where the fuck was THIS guy the last nine years?
If you got answers, we’d be all ears.
