The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Weslaco

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

Today, we’re at the crossroads between “where the fuck am I?” and “how the fuck did I end up here?” Welcome to Weslaco. 


37,093 (2013), 37,091 of which are all under the age of 15. I’m pretty sure there’s a city ordinance that requires that every family in Weslaco to have at least 8 kids. Kids fucking everywhere in this city; all kinds of kids. Screaming kids, crying kids, kids fucking up your order at Whataburger over and over again..just the worst. Weslaco is one giant “Lord of the Flies” experiment gone horribly wrong.


David Suarez, because there needs to be an adult somewhere.


Mayor Suarez looks like a post mid-life crises Super Mario; that stage in his adulthood where he knew he had to eventually stop fucking around with Princess Peach, get his life in order, get a real job and start doing grown up things. Leave it to the city of children to elect a God damn video game character to run their city.

In the spirit of their shitty rivalry, Weslaco just HAD to find a way to out-do their sister-shit town Donna by finding a mayor with an even sketchier past than Donna Mayor Irene Muñoz. Mayor Suarez pled guilty back in the 90’s after cops found a syringe, some coke, and about $3,000 in cash in his truck, black-out drunk outside of Peckers. Way to go, Weslaco.

But in all honesty, you really can’t blame Weslaco for electing a syringe toting, devil’s dandruff sniffing businessman as their mayor when his opponent ran one of the worst campaigns in modern politics. Back in 2013, Weslaco resident, and slowest man on the draw, Adrian Farias showed up to the mayoral race a full 6 months after Suarez. When Farias was asked about his chances on being elected, he said “We got a lot of legwork to catch up,” in what I can only describe as one of biggest understatements I’ve ever heard. He, predictably, lost…and so did Weslaco.

Why Weslaco sucks

W.E. Stewart Land Co. loves to lord that it’s a safer place to live in than Donna, but don’t tell that to the 440 people a year who either get jumped, stabbed, shot, or ran over and over and over again. Living in Weslaco means that you have somewhere north of a 3450% chance of being a victim of every type of crime imaginable.

There are, really, only two kinds of people who live in Weslaco: 1) The boot and cowboy hat wearing, Copperhead Road dancing, fake-ass cowboy/cowgirl who can be found drinking at Peckers or Paradise every night and 2) the ghetto gang member who breaks into their trucks and stabs them in the parking lot. ..AND they ALLLLLLLL know each other! ALL of them! If you’ve ever drank at any of these places, you’ll realize that half of these inbreeds are related to each other. Living in Weslaco means that if you hook up with a girl from there, there’s a coin-flip’s chance that she’s probably your sister.

I’m not certain, but it kinda looks like Weslaco is the only city that requires it’s citizens to own AT LEAST one Panther or Wildcat shirt that they have to wear EVERYWHERE they go. Court date in Edinburg? “Better put on my class of 2001 Panthers t-shirt.” Got a wedding later? “I know I saw my ‘East Side, Strong Side’ shirt SOMEWHERE!” I don’t need to be reminded every time I go to the mall that you’re from fucking Weslaco. Eat shit.

Weslaco is the Detroit of the Valley, only much much sadder. It’s desolate, has a few things that may or may not be closed due to lack of sales in less than a year, and everyone who lives there are the suckers who couldn’t get a decent apartment in a better place like McAllen or Harlingen, where, you know, they actually work. No one’s dream is to grow up and say “One day, I’m gonna own a house in Weslaco.” Jesus.

Like most of our cities in this series, I asked a few of my friends who actually live there to find out what’s really shitty about Weslaco. Their response? “Well, I really can’t think of anything bad about Weslaco. It’s a pretty cool place.” See that’s the tragedy right there; the people who live there really don’t know how shitty their city actually is. They honestly believe they live in a great city and are annoyingly pretentious about it. It’s a city that takes itself WAY WAY too seriously and none of us gives a shit. Nobody cares about your shitty schools, or your shitty tower, or your shitty golf courses, Weslaco, so please shut the fuck up and GET MY FUCKING WHATABURGER ORDER RIGHT ALREADY!! FUCK!

Why Weslaco doesn’t suck

It’s one of the few places in the Valley that has tried to preserve it’s history. Pay no mind that it’s history is chalk full of racism and stuff.


      • Fuck you JD! You probably didn’t make it as a writer/reporter, you act like you know what it’s like living in the valley. Get a real job because having your head in your ass doesn’t pay well. Weslaco isn’t the best place on earth, but it’s a start and we work with what is given to us. So again fuck you and fuck where you came from.

      • Well you have every right to speak your mind. You may be correct on some things and wrong on some issues but you’ve got the freedom of speech on your side. Don’t include everyone because not everyone is like that. Oh and by the way “OPIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES EVERYBODY HAS ONE.” AND YOU APPARENTLY HAVE AN OPION.

  1. Got the heck out of Weslaco years ago like almost 40 yrs ago. Austin TX is where I Belong, couldn’t get out of the Valley fast enough. Never looked back. A nice day to visit but only for a day.

  2. Weslaco really is not that bad, the only bad thing that I saw was a drug bust behind my apartment. Nobody has ever tried to kill me, not everyone has “at least eight kids” I know a lot of people that are either only child or have at the most two or three siblings. The election for mayor was rigged, but nobody will say so. The worst things about weslaco are the families that have been here since the town was founded, there’s no mall, the most interesting things we have are the comic book stores and the museum, the last thing is the saying we have “if you don’t leave weslaco right after high school, you’re not going to leave at all” which is usually true, but quite a few people have started proving the saying wrong.

  3. Ooo ooo, make one about Mcallen. The city full of pretentious assholes that think they’re better than everyone just because they moved out of their shitty little town which is most likely only 10 or 15 miles away. ???

  4. I’m sorry. Who are you, and what exactly did you major in? The study of bullshit? I am not a drunk who spends her time at bars nor a ghetto hoodrat who spends her free time trying to steal cars. One more thing JD, you forgot to mention that the people of Weslaco love Weslaco. This is our home, and we aren’t ashamed. You must be so messed up to write things like these. Are you from a smaller town like Penitas or Rio Hondo?

    • Actually, I did mention that:

      See that’s the tragedy right there; the people who live there really don’t know how shitty their city actually is. They honestly believe they live in a great city and are annoyingly pretentious about it. It’s a city that takes itself WAY WAY too seriously and none of us gives a shit.

      It’s a hater’s guide. learn how to take a jab. Thanks for reading.

      • Ur a straight up dumbass. Every city in the US has there gettos and different diversity’s n there good sides of towns or suburbs. Now ur a fucking hater jus cuz a worker from Whataburger correct. But obviously u still come back and order. Ur an ignorant dumbass

    • lessss get one ting eestraighh immeehhh nottehhh eeeehhhspirinnngjjjcchjjuuurrrrnolissss nor do i plaahn tooobe juan.

      dankar =)

          • Lol I’m from Weslaco and I read this entire thing. Get over it Weslaco ans,JD has a point it’s a hater’s guide hence all the trash talk!
            Instead of getting all rowled up maybe do something to make Weslaco better!

          • I definitely contribute more to society, via taxes, than you buddy/lady. Are you related to JD? Is this you JD?

          • This is awesome ? lol.. and I just dropped by to say that I fucked Juans wife in a dressing room at the outlet Mall

        • Economics is the reason, all the good jobs are elsewhere, you have to move where the opportunities present themselves, or settle for minimum wage , have to set the bar higher, home should be where one is making progress and feels like that’s where you belong it could be any state or city in the usa, the sun will come out tomorrow if you leave weslaco and life goes on don’t be afraid of change there’s greener pastures elsewhere! !!!

    • Hey Joe-Nathan. Ur a fat low life. Can’t even live the high life. Get out of the bench wires life because you just don’t have one. Ur daughter blew my camarada in a McDonald’s bathroom fucken looser.

  5. I’m from weslaco. I wonder where you’re from. Let us know , or you’re scared one of us allegedly goons will stab you ? Lol pathetic.
    You’re column was Just a tad bit better than a tabloid article. Props for that.

  6. People should stop getting their panties all in a bunch. The title says it all and it’s actually quite entertaining. It’s fun, hilarious and most of all opinionated. It’s a great read with great points. Thanks JD.

  7. Honestly you need Jesus in your life. I’m born and raised from Weslaco TX and moved to Dallas 3 years back . I miss my hometown. Well since this is a hater’s guide , I guess I will let you have your spot light. But for what ever reason, I’m truly sorry for up bringing or your mishaps. I will pray for you.

  8. I have lived in east Harlem New York City for over a
    Decade now. My apartment is amazing but just across the street from the projects. I’ve been mugged only once. It’s a city full of every day harm shitty schools and people who watch out for themselves mostly. while you’re article was mostly entertaining I’m intelligent enough to not take it that seriously. It does however make me feel
    Sad to read my hometown be shat on but I get your “satire”. I was raised here and I’m visiting now. My husband just told me today when he comes down here he feels at peace. We ate tamarind, citrus, avocado and chiles right off the tree. Picked up bluejay and Cardinal feathers. Smelled the orange blossoms and took a nap under a big huge ass sky. Hey! you forgot about Marines Bakery, sunrise, ciros, Milanos, the nicest postal workers at the post office, the Cortez hotel, as some Of the other bad ass spots and all the small business family owners who have really tried to make a difference and living. I’m here because of a small tragedy and I’m amazed at the random strangers who have come together to help us through it, figuratively giving us the shirts off their backs. It’s heartwarming. Too bad they can’t vote for shit and are being judged for their ability to vote or speaky thuh inglissshhh by you someone who obviously wasn’t raised and taught respect. I value that more than smart ass, ‘hate’ loathing writing. You’re only contributing to the
    Problem. And by the way I’m not sure I mentioned I do believe you’re a talented writer. Too bad you’re using it to write about shitty towns. Not that you care.

    • You’re right, I don’t care.

      Allow me to use my talent, then, to talk about shitty CITIES: NYC can suck a hard ball sack. Everyone who lives in NYC currently is NOT ACTUALLY FROM NYC or NY state for that matter, just a bunch of pretentious hollow people who thought they were “too big” for the town they were raised. You’re not gonna ever live like Carrie in an apartment near NYU so stop living that pipe-dream while you’re ahead. It’s filled with bottom feeders who believe they’re the most cultured, most forward thinkers in the world, when in reality, they can’t escape the glass globe they’ve encased themselves in called the NY-metro area. The rest of the country outnumbers you by an extraordinary amount so please understand that we do NOT give a shit about what any of you sycophantic people bitch about. 99% of NYC is virtually un-affordable and belongs to the rich yuppies that made it that way. Enjoy living in the circus because most of us would rather pay to watch it from a distance.

      thanks for reading! =)

  9. JD,
    Nailed it! This is so great. Thanks for writing exactly what I’ve thought of Weslaco for my entire life.

    – A rich yuppie that lives in NYC

  10. JD,
    Nailed it! This is so great. Thanks for writing exactly what I’ve thought of Weslaco my entire life.

    -NYC Yuppie

    P.S. Nicole is just mad because she lives in East Harlem. It’s basically the equivalent of Weslaco in Manhattan.

  11. JD you’ve gotta churn this stuff out more frequently man. Heck if at some point y’all set up a go fund me or something I’d be the first to give. I LOVE what you’ve got going here.

    Also, everyone needs to chill the fuck out. I can’t believe how offended some people get with these haters guides.

  12. You can’t talk shit about a city in one article, Harlingen, then here claim it’s “a better place […] where, you know, they actually work.”

    I like your stories (yes from Weslaco), but you’re killing the facade you’ve built. You should hate every city, equally, all the time. You made me re-like Harlingen with this article.

    Nonetheless, keep it up.

  13. Hey Margaret Meade, write about Mercedes and you’ll wish you hadn’t! I’ll break your dainty fingers and wipe that smarmy grin off your pasty white face. I’ll hit you so hard your mother will fall over. I’ll kick your ass so hard your boyfriend will spit out his breakfast (I’m assuming you’re a male and gay). You’ve been warned. Don’t mess with the Queen City.

  14. They don’t call it Wes-Loco for nutthin, And , I like this saying I heard from my “ghetto Hispanic ” friend say “deja que los perros ladren, es senal que eres importante” and I think that is very true, so Weslaco, we are important, important enough for someone to take the time to write about us, Go Panthers!!!

  15. Greggs uses the quotation when describing her experience of a difficult physical arrest where she received nonchalant backup and realized she was meant to be a police officer.

  16. I’m from weslaco, we can all get upset over JDs OPINIONS hate on him for talking shit about our home town. At the end of the day we live here because we choose to live here. Everytown in the US has something negative or positive about it (thats for sure) As long as we are ok living whereever the fuck we live, que nos valga madre about whatever maybe said. Afterall its an article expressing someone’s views. #intresting to read i laughed at thing and at others i was like awww man come on pero, its cool freedom of speech.

  17. You forgot to include that our mayor Mr. Suarez is a giant crook and doesn’t like paying his employees. And may I add that Mr Farias didn’t get elected because he started late. It was because everyone in town knows him and his family are the biggest devil’s dandruff sniffing mofos in town. So Weslaco voted for the second best… great piece. Had a good chuckle.

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