Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 2


While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

We’ve already gotten some flak for these rankings from last week, but people who are getting angry about this stuff need to remember that there’s a pretty big audience out there who wants read things like these. Fortunately, we’re the pricks to write it.

These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week.

#5 Donna North Chiefs (0-2) Count loss #12! Granted, the Chiefs are the closest to exit these polls and, at the same time, a perfect candidate for these polls for these facts: They barely lost to La Joya (1-1) Friday 13-6 (that’s good, sort of); problem is, this is the same La Joya team that lost to Roma the previous week (that’s bad). Their best bet for a win will be this Friday against bottom 5 candidate Mission High (0-2). Loser get’s a comfy spot in our rankings next week (YAY!)

#4 Pharr Oratory Oratorians(?) (0-2) – How do you follow up last week’s shitshow? With a less shittier buzzpharmacy.net performance against London High School (I promise I didn’t make that name up) 48-0. The outscoring clock is now at 118-0. To be fair, both Bruni (2-0) and London (2-0) are some of the better small school teams in South Texas having only allowed 7 points between both of them in the first 2 weeks of play. But..bad teams get blown out all the time and Pharr Oratory..is a bad team.

#3 Progreso Red Ants (0-2) – You came this close Progreso! This is the only team in the history of football where momentous points in football games works the complete opposite for them. The Red Ants closed the gap to 4 points in the 4th qtr, only to lose by two and a half scores. It’s like God curses Progreso for every good play with an equally terrible play. Red Ants score a TD? Other team scores a 99 yard kick return TD. Red Ants get a first down? Fumble the ball on the next play. Red Ants win a game? Here’s a 200 game losing streak. The cycle will never end.

#2 Brownsville Lopez Lobos (0-2) – For years and years and years, Brownsville Porter was the laughing stock of Brownsville football (which is a saying a lot, being that the entire Brownsville ISD system is basically a little league conglomerate thrown out to be eaten by wolves every Friday). That torch has since passed to Brownsville Lopez and this Friday’s 21-16 loss to Porter (2-0) just cemented it. Did you know that their school colors include something called “Vegas Gold?” What is that? Who thought that would be a good idea for a school color? Why does Brownsville Lopez football exist? Brownsville Lopez: so bad, their existence can push you to ask the harder existential questions of life.

#1 Lasara Lions (0-0) – We’re two weeks into the season and having Lasara STILL at #1 without having played a single game. This tells you just how little we think of Lasara. I’ve personally never been to a Lasara game, but I think watching them play live is like that scene in Interstellar where Matthew McConaughey falls into that black hole by himself and sees all those book shelves all around him: a lot of confusion, a lot of emptiness, and a wondering feeling that this may never end. Scary thought.

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