While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.
These are the RGV’s worst 5 teams of the week.
#5 Donna North Chiefs (0-1) Donna North currently has an 11 game losing streak that stretches back to their inaugural season (2013). There’s no chance in hell they win 1 game this season. I’m actually rooting for their streak to hit 21 just to see how long it takes the city of Donna to riot and close the school down. Everyone in the Valley already knows there’s no reason for the city of Donna to exist and by the transitive property, no real reason for Donna North to play football. Time to shut it down, guys…but not before 21!
#4 Pharr Oratory Oratorians(?) (0-1) – This team started exactly as we expected them to: A 70-0 blowout to Bruni. “Who the hell is Bruni?” I don’t know. Maybe it’s one of those teams featured on Friday Night Tykes(?) I don’t know, but maybe it was by the grace of God that they weren’t blown out by an even bigger score.
#3 Progreso Red Ants (0-1) – It’s been at this point the last few years that the Red Ants will spring up some weird upset. It’s at this point that we start asking “Are the Red Ants for real?” No. The Red Ants will never be real. In honor of their late AD and head coach Elvis Hernandez, they wore an EH in the back of their helmets, and in his honor, they played EXACTLY as they did when he was around. This team will go 0-10 and none of us will be surprised when it happens.
#2 Brownsville Lopez Lobos (0-1) – When I started this ranking, I thought “there’s no way Lopez can possible still be as bad as they were last year.” A 53-7 gouging to the hands of La Joya Palmview sure shut me the fuck up. Being as bad as the Lobos are brings up some natural questions. Being that Lopez is the fine arts magnet school for Brownsville ISD, are all the football players just kids who couldn’t get into the band? Do they know that they’re playing football and not “futbol?” SO MANY QUESTIONS!
#1 Lasara Lions (0-0) – Last year, this team played 5 games, playing fellow bottom five Pharr Oratory twice and ended up breaking time and space by repeating the same shitty 41-12 performance BOTH times. It’s only fitting that they would play Pharr Oratory on September 11th, because watching both teams play is a God damn national tragedy.