The stiff talking heads of the GOP will be on display on stage for the first time this election cycle and, by God, it’s gonna to be wonderful.
For those not in the know (Well, by our country’s terrible voting record, why WOULD you be in the know?), every four years we elect a President. To help explain it better, let’s pretend that being elected president is like winning the NBA Finals. You got the East and the West (Republicans and Democrats). You got a bunch of teams on one side, and a bunch on the other (candidates). Those teams duke out against each other, head to head to head, in a series of games (debates) and the teams with the lower scores get eliminated (Candidates with lower poll scores concede) until there’s one team representing the West and one team representing the East (Republican and Democratic Presidential nominees). Those two remaining teams duke it against each other, head to head, until Game 7 (Election night) where one is crowned NBA champion (Elected President).
Let’s meet our attractions for tonight’s circus (by the polls):
#1 Donald Trump (23%)
Real estate magnate who hates Mexicans, doesn’t give two shits about POWs, was dropped by every brand ever. His soaring polling numbers gives every other sane American a better look at just how fucked up the GOP voting base really is.
#2 Jeb Bush (13%)
Bush: the sequel that no one thought was possible. Former Gov. of Florida, which is already telling you as much as you need to know. Married to a Mexican woman..thinks he’s Mexican.
#3 Scott Walker (11%)
Union busting prick who governs the same state as this dude.
#4 Mike Huckabee (7%)
Southern Baptist Minister and former Governor of Arkansas which is just as impressive as saying that you were once manager of a Radio Shack. Thinks Obama is Hitler, for some reason.
#5 Ben Carson (7%)
Doctor who was once one-half of the Republican’s bright future (the other not too far down this list) because he was the only doctor of note to speak out against universal health care. and he’s black!!
#6 Ted Cruz (6%)
US Senator from Texas, but..from Canada (?). I’m gonna say that Cruz is actually a Canadian spy who was trained to one day run for President and win to shove it ALLLL in our faces that Canada is TAKING OVER BABY! Really though, fuck Canada. Also known for wearing his dad’s suit.
#7 Marco Rubio (5%)
US Senator from Florida (Jesus) and once upon a time the GOPs golden boy before this happened.
#8 Rand Paul (5%)
You remember that candidate that your room mate in college had that one bumper sticker for, but never actually talked about? He’s got a son!
#9 Chris Christie (3%)
New Jersey Governor who happens to be a Dallas Cowboys fan (way to pump up your voting base!). He hit an all time high after Hurricane Sandy, but like everyone who feels like they accomplished something like graduating high school, just let himself go. He peaked…and subsequently plummeted after some dick swinging moves with the Fort Lee lane closure.
#10 John Kasich (3%)
I legitimately do not know who this man is. If he were a college basketball team, Kasich would be the IUPUI Hackeesack State A&M #16 seed that get’s blown out by Kentucky in the first round.
The biggest name to get snubbed from tonight’s action is former Texas Governor Rick Perry who was polling at 2% by Tuesday’s cutoff, but don’t worry(!), the consolation bracket debate with your NC State’s and South Carolina’s (your Jindal’s and Santorum’s) starts at 4 PM CST on Fox News!
Get your popcorn ready.
