The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley : Harlingen

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

Our tour continues where the old, racist Valley is still alive and well: Harlingen (Also known as Not-McAllen)


65,665 (2013)


An overly ripe tomato named Chris Boswell


On his resume, I bet Boswell writes in “The ability to sweat very quickly” as one of his strengths. While managing to take the form of a human being and a lawyer, he has been able to dupe the voters of Harlingen into believing that he is a legitimately strong leader.

You did this to yourself, Harlingen. You got the giant fruit of a Mayor you so rightfully deserve.

Why Harlingen sucks:

Harlingen is one of the last living white Meccas left in the Valley. 1 out of every 4 people who live in Harlingen are white; this leaves 3 out of every 4 Mexicans who live there who WANT to be white. You’re not fooling anyone by naming your kid Jaxon “GONE-ZA-LEZZ.” Please stop.

Valley Vista Mall is a dump. This is where popular mall stores come to die. Sam Goody died in Harlingen and Sears got high and raped there too. Whenever a business opens up in McAllen, some exec in San Antonio rolls his eyes and says “…and I GUESSSSS we can open one in Harlingen, too.” For this reason, every business that opens in Harlingen will always be 2nd rate to whatever McAllen has. Harlingen likes to pretend it has a legitimate “rivalry” with a city that’s worth 3 billion times more, but everyone (including their own residents) knows that it isn’t even close.

The biggest attraction this shitty town has is a sporting goods store that is so expensive, every time you buy something from there, a puppy dies. The Bench Wire does not condone cruelty to animals and buying shit from Bass Pro Shop, is cruelty to you and puppies. Fuck Bass Pro Shops. They can go eat a bag of dicks, along with their overrated giant fish tank and their over priced children’s fishing rods. Are you fucking kidding me? $80 for a fucking Spider-Man fishing rod! The fuck?!

Valley International Airport is the Sahara of Airports, desolate, barren; the only signs of life are the poor assholes coming from Mexico that had to make a switch in Harlingen on their way to Houston. Al-Qaeda is too good for this airport.

This fucking city was designed by a very angry or very terrible or very drunk city planner who thought roads that go diagonal through the city wouldn’t fuck over the 2 visitors they get every year. Fuck this city’s God-awful infrastructure planning.

Oh and Harlingen South’s mascot looks like a hawk with down syndrome:


Why Harlingen might NOT suck :

The Point is actually a pretty legit bar to hang out at and the likelihood that you can take home some white-trash hits it’s Valley maximum when you’re inside the city limits. Just try your best not to get yourself bit by a fucking monkey while you’re there.

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