The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley : Harlingen

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

Our tour continues where the old, racist Valley is still alive and well: Harlingen (Also known as Not-McAllen)


65,665 (2013)


An overly ripe tomato named Chris Boswell


On his resume, I bet Boswell writes in “The ability to sweat very quickly” as one of his strengths. While managing to take the form of a human being and a lawyer, he has been able to dupe the voters of Harlingen into believing that he is a legitimately strong leader.

You did this to yourself, Harlingen. You got the giant fruit of a Mayor you so rightfully deserve.

Why Harlingen sucks:

Harlingen is one of the last living white Meccas left in the Valley. 1 out of every 4 people who live in Harlingen are white; this leaves 3 out of every 4 Mexicans who live there who WANT to be white. You’re not fooling anyone by naming your kid Jaxon “GONE-ZA-LEZZ.” Please stop.

Valley Vista Mall is a dump. This is where popular mall stores come to die. Sam Goody died in Harlingen and Sears got high and raped there too. Whenever a business opens up in McAllen, some exec in San Antonio rolls his eyes and says “…and I GUESSSSS we can open one in Harlingen, too.” For this reason, every business that opens in Harlingen will always be 2nd rate to whatever McAllen has. Harlingen likes to pretend it has a legitimate “rivalry” with a city that’s worth 3 billion times more, but everyone (including their own residents) knows that it isn’t even close.

The biggest attraction this shitty town has is a sporting goods store that is so expensive, every time you buy something from there, a puppy dies. The Bench Wire does not condone cruelty to animals and buying shit from Bass Pro Shop, is cruelty to you and puppies. Fuck Bass Pro Shops. They can go eat a bag of dicks, along with their overrated giant fish tank and their over priced children’s fishing rods. Are you fucking kidding me? $80 for a fucking Spider-Man fishing rod! The fuck?!

Valley International Airport is the Sahara of Airports, desolate, barren; the only signs of life are the poor assholes coming from Mexico that had to make a switch in Harlingen on their way to Houston. Al-Qaeda is too good for this airport.

This fucking city was designed by a very angry or very terrible or very drunk city planner who thought roads that go diagonal through the city wouldn’t fuck over the 2 visitors they get every year. Fuck this city’s God-awful infrastructure planning.

Oh and Harlingen South’s mascot looks like a hawk with down syndrome:


Why Harlingen might NOT suck :

The Point is actually a pretty legit bar to hang out at and the likelihood that you can take home some white-trash hits it’s Valley maximum when you’re inside the city limits. Just try your best not to get yourself bit by a fucking monkey while you’re there.


  1. Apparently you know nothing of Harlingen. Your probably from McAllen (Not San Antonio) and writing this article might make you feel like a fucking genius when clearly your just a douche bag. While Harlingen gets bigher and better I’ll just sip my tea and just enterain myself with such a stupid as fuck article this came to be.

    • I live in Harlingen and even I know it sucks. Everything sucks here from the trash service to the shitty streets that are riddled with pot holes and patches, if you think this city is great you must be smoking crack, which makes sense since Harlingen is ghetto as Fuck also…

  2. A jab? If that’s what you want to call it. Your slight entertaining style of writing sounds quite vindictive, if I had to guess it’s because you fucked up most your life and find pleasure in demeaning anything that can stand still long enough for a half rate brain like yours to think of a creative sentence… you are waiting your time writing articles like these, go fuck yourself and get a life.

  3. Extremely moronic article, and so juvenile. I don’t know who or what the Bench Wire is, but I am already annoyed with your sorry excuse at an attempt at writing anything with journalistic value. This article (and presumably every other article on this website) are prime examples as to why you should “stay in school” kids….

  4. I grew up in the valley, moved to the DFW about 12 years ago, and thank God for that! Lol. Every time I go visit I notice that most other towns are changing, with the exception of Harlingen. It’s as if time has forgotten this little gloomy town. Still, I have fond memories of my childhood growing up on the south,and later north, sides of Harlingen.
    Keep ’em coming TBWH! Outstanding work guy

  5. For you to make fun of down syndrome people shows what a piece of shit you are. Yes I reside in Harlingen and proud of it! And yes I have a family member with down syndrome and I’m proud of that too!

  6. Fuck fuck fuck you ! You genius. Don’t get me wrong now. I love satire as much as the next guy. These are things that just had to be said sooner or later and I’m glad we can all appreciate how much of a shitty place it is for anything but dropping your IQ in record time. Be it the half ass Spanglish or the multiple brain dead citizens daunting an attire so hideous the founder of the city roll in the grave it gives you a sense of pleasure you will never find anywhere else. (Sarcasm obviously) I appreciate your post and do not fret for the butt hurt citizens who can’t take a joke. Much respect for you satire fellow citizen !

  7. I love this article so much but I am a graduate of South! Make some fun about the brain dead Cardinals. At least we go to college, lol.

  8. This article made made my day and I see some people are angry by it which makes it more enjoyable. I don’t really give feedback or comment on the internet but this is an exception. Love crude humor, keep it up.

  9. You forgot to mention the cost of living…cheapest city in the nation! Sweet!! Lol. I grew up in Harlingen. Haven’t lived there since High School, but it’s still my home and my honorable duty to advise you to go fuck your mother. And while you’re at it. Remind us where you’re from…give me a crack at it guy 😉

  10. I would love to know where this asshole is from. And also if you dont like it move, simple as that. Harlingen is no mcallen or can close to a major city but its chill as fuck And inexpensive.

  11. You listed the point as a “pretty legit bar.” Toss your credibility in the same place your mom should’ve left you on prom night. Fucking Mcallen hipster clown

  12. Hahaha…love it! I went to high school in San Benito with this dude.
    He comes from a long line of white racist people who think they are better than anyone else…especially Mexicans. Assholes! Oh by the way, Chris was a great thespian and gay as all get out! That’s why he has all those Harlingenites fooled….give that man an academy award!

  13. Bro this article made my day. I left Harlingen about two years ago when I enlisted in the Army… You’re right about it all man. Thanks for the laugh!

  14. im from the valley “Edinburg particularly” and i found this hilarious as hell. Roast Edinburg please!!!! Especially sharyland with their wannabe Narco teens and frecitas

  15. Lol all these people get so mad about hearing the truth about Harlingen. I was enticed by the cheap housing, but was a mistake to move here. There’s really nothing to do here after work hours since all the shops are closed by 6pm.

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