Vicente Gonzalez

Can Vicente Gonzalez Get The Hell Out Of My Face Already?


If you’ve driven anywhere in McAllen, you’ve probably noticed a cold rush of nerves fill up your spine; being chased by this nightmare feeling like you’re being stared at relentlessly by the eyes of a toothy mummy. Don’t worry; it’s not the work of some Indian demon curse, it’s just Vicente Gonzalez’ leather face getting implanted deep into your head over and over and over again!

The corpse wasn’t even cold on Ruben Hinojosa’s congressional career before the snakes began crawling out from the pit to replace him. But no candidate has shown to be so eager for your crumbs of attention than Vicente Gonzalez. Do you remember that one kid who really wanted to be class president? The one who got to school really early to put up posters and made buttons and cheap little cards with mints attached to them saying that they were (oh god) “Mint to be President” ? That is Vicente Gonzalez’ campaign so far. There are signs popping up everywhere in McAllen. And I mean, I get it. The guy’s trying to win. Problem is that election day is NOVEMBER 2016! We got a whole YEAR of Vicente jizzing Vitamin-V all over the fucking place.

Last Saturday, I went to the McAllen ChristOHMYGAAAWENRIQUEISHEREmas Parade and I saw some kid no older than 14 walking around with not a button. Not a shirt. Not a cap, but a god damn Vicente Gonzalez for US Congress SIGN attached to his neck. This made me think of a few things: 1) This kid was probably paid 5 bucks by someone who thought this would be a great idea, or 2) This kid just lost some kind of bet. You better believe I’m going to look through those campaign finance records and I sure as shit better find “Walking Sign Mascot Boy” listed as a god-damn expense.

Vicente Gonzalez Congress
“OK, Vicente, I need you to get close to the dog to look like you have just enough soul but juusst far away enough to look like you might have polio. Now, I don’t want a full smile. I just need a slightly open crack from mouth that can fit a child’s soul in. VERY GOOD!” That dog clearly does not want to be Vicente Gonzalez’ dog.

“Vicente Con La Gente” is his slogan of choice for his campaign and I couldn’t imagine a cheesier god-damn slogan. I don’t know the guy, personally, and I don’t care to. Anyone this JAZZED up to run for congress THIS early doesn’t give a shit about the people and everyone knows that. Gonzalez lives in the bubble of the top 1% of the Valley, a place where the income inequality cleave is one of the largest in the country. Gonzalez will drop hundred’s of thousands of his own cash to show the Palacios family that he can throw down too. And that’s what this race is really about: We are all the urinal in the pissing contest between Vicente and the Palacios family.

Look you guys, A FLOAT!

Sweet Jesus..the shit guys like him would spend actual money for.

At the end of it, Vicente could go bankrupt trolling every traffic stop from here to Falfurrias trying to get into congress and, honestly, probably won’t even come close to winning.

Just tone it the fuck down already Vicente.

Previous Story

The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley : Harlingen

Next Story

TBW People Of 2015: #10 Justin Bieber

Latest from Rants