The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley : San Benito

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

Our tour moves forward to a city nobody has ever been to: San Benito.

24,374 (2013), or that’s 24,374 cardboard cut-outs. Got it.

Mayor: Celeste Z. Sanchez

Glad to see that Raymond’s mom from Everybody Loves Raymond isn’t dead.


Why this city sucks:

The only good thing to ever come out of this city was Freddy Fender. Oh! and that one Olympic Gold Medalist, Bobby Morrow. These two success stories don’t matter when you’re the lamest town in the lower valley. San Benito you’re the DUFF of the Valley. Pigskin is all you get and that’s cause they took away a few schools from you! San Benito, you’re just another glitch in the Matrix, just like Alamo. Nobody ever says, “Lets stop in San Benito and get supplies for the Beach.” Nope! They either get them in Harlingen or in Port Isabel or even at the Island, but nobody ever wants to make a pit stop there. San Benito you have nothing to offer and you know that, you just try to hide under Harlingen’s shadow and hope that nobody notices your uselessness.
San Benito you are the friend-zoned city of the valley. You will never get to fuck anyone. So go fuck yourself.

Why this city MIGHT not suck:

“Lets allow the teenagers to bring the most revenue to our city.” said the city officials. And well, this is the case. Kids are the stars of this city. From the Battle of the Arroyo to the Annual Pigskin Jubilee; kids have been the cause for seats at stadiums to be sold out and grown ups eat it up. This city has a lot of heart, nothing that draws the crowds (when its not football season)
but still a lot of heart.


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