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RGV High School Football Playoffs: Valley Week Preview

in RGV/Sports

It’s late November and we’re now in the 3rd. round of the UIL high school football playoffs, commonly known all around Region IV, which includes Central and South Texas, as “Valley Week” or “Valley Weak” if you’re an asshole. The Bench Wire is here to preview all four games and gauge whether our guys have any shot at making it to the next round. Keep Reading

Univision and Vicente Gonzalez Fucked Up Royally; Claimed Church Killer Was 4Chan Meme

in RGV/The News
US Rep Vicente Gonzalez

In the wake of Sunday morning’s tragedy where a gunman opened fire during a morning service at First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, killing 26 men, women, and children, news outlets sought reactions of various congressmen to help fill in airtime. In this instance, While Univision had first-year representative, and known Popeyes distributor, Vicente Gonzalez on a live telecast, Univision’s anchor broke the news to the world, and unsuspecting Gonazlez, that the killer was none other than Sam Hyde. Keep Reading

The Bench Wire Hater’s Guide To The Valley: Hidalgo

in Rants/RGV
haters guide to the valley hidalgo

The Valley is one of a kind when it comes to diversity. From the racist white people, the country-wannabes, the ghetto Hispanics, the snobby Mexicans from Monterrey and the token black person in between. With all that diversity and culture mixing all over, visiting the Valley might be a little overwhelming. Not to worry, tourist: The Bench Wire is here to help.

We got pulled over for going 29 on a 30. Welcome to Hidalgo.

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McAllen City Commission Finally Eats The Dick; Passes Smoking Ban

in RGV/The News
McAllen City Commission Eats The Dick

On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission passed an ordinance effectively banning smoking from all public places and most private establishmentsNo, let me try that lede again.

On Monday evening, the McAllen City Commission communed together for a grand feast, culminating from months of preparation thanks to some wet blanket and this pretentious email. On the menu for the evening? THE Dick, and the city commission just swallowed it whole. Keep Reading

2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 7

in RGV/Sports
2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 7

While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

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Donna Mayoral Candidate Forgets He Doesn’t Actually Live In Donna; Get’s Disqualified

in RGV/The News

Jose Ernesto Lugo Jr. had announced his intentions to run for Mayor of Donna back in early June, joining three others vying for the same spot. After months of campaigning and fundraising and customizing fancy polo shirts, the City of Donna has disqualified him from November’s mayoral race because Lugo seemingly forgot that he didn’t live within Donna city limits.

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2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 6

in RGV/Sports
2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 6

While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

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PSYCH! Brownsville Shitty Commissioner Cesar De Leon Won’t Resign After All

in RGV/The News
Cesar De Leon

WELP! The City of Brownsville spokeswoman Roxanna Rosas has stated that embattled Brownsville City Commissioner At Large “A” Cesar De Leon has rescinded his letter of resignation that he had submitted to the city just four days ago. This will be our fourth story covering this dip-shit and I’m already sick of it. Keep Reading

2017 Worst RGV High School Football Teams Week 5

in RGV/Sports
2017 Worst RGV Football Teams Week 5

While we already have PLENTY of rankings of the top teams in the Valley from the Monitor, RGV Sports, (S)TD Dave, etc. the Bench Wire believes that EVERYONE needs their chance in the spotlight…even our comically terrible teams.

Keep Reading

Brownsville City Commissioner Cesar De Leon Has Resigned For The Dumbest Reason

in RGV/The News

Three days after having apologized during a city commission meeting for calling two black county prosecutors “niggers,” as well as calling other female officials “bitch” and “twat,” among other things during a secretly recorded conversation between himself and Carlos Elizondo, and concluding the message affirmatively stating that he would not resign, Brownsville City Commissioner Cesar De Leon has resigned from his post effective immediately in the most bullshit way possible. Keep Reading

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