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Local RGV things

Clayton’s Owner, Clayton Brashear, Defends Booking Child Sex Offender Tekashi69; Is a Shitbag

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Like most people, I tend to stay away from SPI during spring break simply because I don’t want to contract gonorrhea. I also avoid Clayton’s as much as possible because $10 for an ass-can margarita and a bullshit $5 “cooler charge” to access the beach behind their building (when they closed off the access to the side of their building) doesn’t quite do it for me. So, when I think about Clayton’s owner (whom I’ve never actually met) I imagine a shitbag who would do anything to squeeze out another dollar. I also, however, try to give people the benefit of the doubt (maybe he isn’t a bag of shit?).

However, after the widespread backlash Clayton’s had received for booking a known child sex offender in Tekashi69 this Spring Break, and Clayton’s subsequent moronic defense of his booking, it’s safe to say that Clayton Brashear is, in fact, the shitbag I thought he was all along. Keep Reading

Congratulations, Brownsville. You Are The Unhealthiest City In America

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Yesterday, WalletHub released the findings of their study of the healthiest cities in the United States, comparing the top 174 most populated U.S. cities among metrics such as access to affordable healthcare, fruit and vegetable consumption, and fitness clubs per capita. In true Brownsville fashion, the oft-forgotten residents who only pop back into our memory once something goes (and it always does) terribly wrong for them, found themselves ranked dead last in the Wallethub rankings claiming the title as America’s Unhealthiest City. Keep Reading

Even Elon Musk Knows That Nobody Actually Lives In Brownsville

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Elon Musk, billionaire boy who just tripped balls after having launched a God-damn car into space, took a minute to completely shit all over the non-existent people who live (or don’t?) just a few miles over in the outskirts of Brownsville. Keep Reading

McAllen’s Tim Wilkins Is Running One Weird Campaign

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A little after McAllen City Commissioner Richard Cortez announced that he would be running for the vacant Hidalgo County Judge seat against Eloy Pulido, three candidates have thrown their name into the ring to step in and replace Cortez; none of which have had a more bat-shit campaign than Tim Wilkins.  Keep Reading

KGBT Channel 4 ValleyCentral Is Running A Story That Is Basically An Ad

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If you peruse through ValleyCentral.com, you’ll notice that one of their latest stories is headlined “Southwest Airlines offering flights as low as $59,” which, on its face may be newsworthy, but once you click on the link, the post is void of any journalistic input and kinda looks like a paid advertisement. Keep Reading

Let’s Photoshop Hidalgo County Commissioner Joseph Palacios’ Weird Campaign Sign

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Hidalgo County Commissioner for Pct. 4, Joseph Palacios, is running for re-election and I can’t NOT look at his severely awkward campaigns signs. Keep Reading

Advance News Journal Has A Lot Of Questions; No Answers, Apparently

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On my morning commute, I spotted a homeless man starting a fire underneath the underpass to warm himself from our recent cold front. His combustible material of choice? Wednesday’s edition of Advance News Journal of course! See, it actually burns much longer than most papers because it’s actually covered with shit. As I happened to spot the latest edition’s headlines, I nearly fell into an existential crisis; transported into a reality where a front cover of a (news)paper could ask so many questions and answer literally none of them.

Keep Reading

Nominate Me For 2017 RGV Citizen Of The Year (Or Don’t, Whatever)

The Monitor is asking for nominations for RGV Citizen of the Year and, although we’ve had our run-ins, I’m sure The Monitor would gladly accept my nomination from you, my readers. Keep Reading

RIP Gamehaus; McAllen Bar To Close By The End of The Month

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According to an agreed judgment filed in Hidalgo County’s 332nd District Court, Gamehaus has agreed to cease operations after December 31st of this year, ending a nearly two-year long legal battle with the City of McAllen. Keep Reading

RGV High School Football Playoffs: Valley Week Preview

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It’s late November and we’re now in the 3rd. round of the UIL high school football playoffs, commonly known all around Region IV, which includes Central and South Texas, as “Valley Week” or “Valley Weak” if you’re an asshole. The Bench Wire is here to preview all four games and gauge whether our guys have any shot at making it to the next round. Keep Reading

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